IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

#technologies #children #time #outweigh #experiences
The modern era of the 21st century blessed us with numerous advanced gadgets, especially for adolescents the way of spending their leisure
time
 has been completely varied
due to
 the introduction of the advancement.
However
, in my opinion,
this
 changing face has more drawbacks than its advantages.
Firstly
, nowadays new technology has been proven to be extremely helpful the schoolers with their studies. The accessibility of educational apps and online resources has enhanced learning opportunities. With the help of online websites
such
 as YouTube, and Google Chrome children can now explore various subjects at their own pace and deepen their understanding beyond the classroom's confines.
Likewise
, online gaming and the virtual world offer an opportunity for creativity and problem-solving because many games are designed with complex puzzles that require strategic thinking, promoting cognitive development. Flipping the other side of the coin, excessive usage of the internet has been directly linked to various chronic diseases,
For
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 poor eyesight, obesity, and disrupted sleep patterns.
This
 kind of disturbance can negatively affect the child's
overall
 development.
Along with
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 there is a high risk that a minor can trap themselves
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the online
frauds
Fix the agreement mistake
fraud
show examples
 or can become the victim of the
cyberbulling
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
cyber bullying
. If they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not get the proper
guides
Replace the word
guidance
show examples
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 their parents and educators
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the right
time
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 be in
a a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge danger. Social media and chat apps that
has introduce
Wrong verb form
have been introduced
show examples
 to the public for
scoialization
Correct your spelling
socialization
socialisation
, can lead to reduced face-to-face interaction and potentially hinder social skills
developmet
Correct your spelling
development
 as well. So the question arises should parents fully
stopped
Wrong verb form
stop
show examples
 their children
to use
Change preposition
from using
show examples
 the new
techonolgy
Correct your spelling
technology
 in their free
time
? It is the
responsility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of the guardian to watch how much
time
 their kids are spending on the screen because somehow both real and virtual world
knowleadge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 is important so both
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 to go side by side no less
no
Correct word choice
and no
show examples
 more.
Submitted by navraj1290 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve your task achievement, make sure to explicitly answer the question posed. Your essay briefly mentions both advantages and disadvantages but could benefit from a clearer statement on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Structuring your essay to directly address this comparison will enhance the clarity of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
A stronger introduction and conclusion that directly address the question 'Do advantages outweigh disadvantages?' would clarify your stance. This helps in immediately engaging the reader with your viewpoint and summarizing your argument effectively at the end, thereby strengthening your essay.
task achievement
Although you provide examples, integrating more specific, detailed examples related to the impact of technology on children's free time to support your points would enrich your essay. Drawing on personal experiences or observed phenomena can add depth and authenticity to your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between paragraphs by using cohesive devices more effectively. Transition words like 'However,' 'Additionally,' or 'On the other hand,' can signal shifts in your argument or introduce new points, helping the reader to follow your essay with ease.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Accessibility
  • Enhanced learning opportunities
  • Deepen their understanding
  • Confines of the classroom
  • Cognitive development
  • Strategic thinking
  • Reduced face-to-face interaction
  • Hinder social skills development
  • Excessive screen time
  • Physical well-being
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate content
  • Internet safety
  • Critical thinking
What to do next:
Look at other essays: