IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

#technologies #children #time #outweigh #experiences
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The modern era of the 21st century blessed us with numerous advanced gadgets, especially for adolescents the way of spending their leisure
time
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 has been completely varied
due to
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 the introduction of the advancement.
However
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, in my opinion,
this
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 changing face has more drawbacks than its advantages.
Firstly
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, nowadays new technology has been proven to be extremely helpful the schoolers with their studies. The accessibility of educational apps and online resources has enhanced learning opportunities. With the help of online websites
such
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 as YouTube, and Google Chrome children can now explore various subjects at their own pace and deepen their understanding beyond the classroom's confines.
Likewise
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, online gaming and the virtual world offer an opportunity for creativity and problem-solving because many games are designed with complex puzzles that require strategic thinking, promoting cognitive development. Flipping the other side of the coin, excessive usage of the internet has been directly linked to various chronic diseases,
For
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instance
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instance,
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 poor eyesight, obesity, and disrupted sleep patterns.
This
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 kind of disturbance can negatively affect the child's
overall
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 development.
Along with
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that
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that,
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 there is a high risk that a minor can trap themselves
with
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in
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 the online
frauds
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fraud
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 or can become the victim of the
cyberbulling
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cyberbullying
cyber bullying
. If they
did
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do
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 not get the proper
guides
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guidance
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form
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from
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 their parents and educators
on
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at
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 the right
time
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than
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then
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 they
can
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could
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 be in
a a
Correct article usage
apply
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huge danger. Social media and chat apps that
has introduce
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have been introduced
show examples
 to the public for
scoialization
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socialization
socialisation
, can lead to reduced face-to-face interaction and potentially hinder social skills
developmet
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development
 as well. So the question arises should parents fully
stopped
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stop
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 their children
to use
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from using
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 the new
techonolgy
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technology
 in their free
time
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? It is the
responsility
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responsibility
 of the guardian to watch how much
time
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 their kids are spending on the screen because somehow both real and virtual world
knowleadge
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knowledge
 is important so both
has
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have
show examples
 to go side by side no less
no
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and no
show examples
 more.
Submitted by navraj1290 on

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task achievement
To improve your task achievement, make sure to explicitly answer the question posed. Your essay briefly mentions both advantages and disadvantages but could benefit from a clearer statement on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Structuring your essay to directly address this comparison will enhance the clarity of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
A stronger introduction and conclusion that directly address the question 'Do advantages outweigh disadvantages?' would clarify your stance. This helps in immediately engaging the reader with your viewpoint and summarizing your argument effectively at the end, thereby strengthening your essay.
task achievement
Although you provide examples, integrating more specific, detailed examples related to the impact of technology on children's free time to support your points would enrich your essay. Drawing on personal experiences or observed phenomena can add depth and authenticity to your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between paragraphs by using cohesive devices more effectively. Transition words like 'However,' 'Additionally,' or 'On the other hand,' can signal shifts in your argument or introduce new points, helping the reader to follow your essay with ease.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Accessibility
  • Enhanced learning opportunities
  • Deepen their understanding
  • Confines of the classroom
  • Cognitive development
  • Strategic thinking
  • Reduced face-to-face interaction
  • Hinder social skills development
  • Excessive screen time
  • Physical well-being
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate content
  • Internet safety
  • Critical thinking
What to do next:
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