IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experi

#technologies #children #time #outweigh #experi
Firstly
, nowadays new technology has been proven to be extremely helpful the schoolers with their studies. The accessibility of educational apps and online resources has enhanced learning opportunities. With the help of online websites
such
 as YouTube, and Google Chrome children can now explore various subjects at their own pace and deepen their understanding beyond the classroom's confines.
Likewise
, online gaming and the virtual world offer an opportunity for creativity and problem-solving because many games are designed with complex puzzles that require strategic thinking, promoting cognitive development. Flipping the other side of the coin, excessive usage of the internet has been directly linked to various chronic diseases,
For instance
, poor eyesight, obesity, and disrupted sleep patterns.
This
 kind of disturbance can negatively affect the child's
overall
 development.
Along with
 that, there is a high risk that a minor can trap themselves in online fraud or can become the victim of cyberbullying. If they do not get the proper guidance from their parents and educators at the right time
then
 they can be in huge danger. Social media and chat apps that have been introduced to the public for socialization, can lead to reduced face-to-face interaction and potentially hinder social skills development as well. So the question arises should parents fully
stopped
Wrong verb form
stop
show examples
 their children from using the new technology in their free time? It is the responsibility of the guardian to watch how much time their kids are spending on the screen because somehow both real and virtual world knowledge is important so both have to go side by side no less and no more.
Submitted by navraj1290 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider adding a clear introduction and conclusion. Your essay lacks a distinct opening statement that introduces the topic and a closing paragraph that summarizes the main points and your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow by connecting your paragraphs more effectively. Use linking words or phrases to better transition from one idea to the next, ensuring a smoother reading experience.
task achievement
Address the question more directly by stating whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Make sure to provide a clear opinion to fully meet the task's requirements.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and details to support your points. While you've mentioned general ideas, adding personal experiences or concrete examples can make your arguments more convincing and relevant.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!