IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

17. We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company. How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.

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There is discussion in
support
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 of writing the law to employ an equal number of male and female workers in any type of
work
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. I quite
support
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this
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 statement. The following reasons and examples will be explained below.
First,
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It is true that nowadays some jobs require a specific gender to get the
work
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 done
such
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 as the military sector which regularly requires a stronger physical body in a man than a woman.
For example
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, a New York Times poll revealed that 80 per cent of female contestants applying for soldier school were rejected instantly at the pre-screening round before making an interview.
Furthermore
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, there is a wrong belief that some sexes are not suitable for some careers
due to
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 the old mindset of elderly people
such
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 as engineers.
On the other hand
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, how individuals can get one job should be considered in many aspects without gender bias because each person has their own outstanding talents.
Hence
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, introducing the laws about sex equality of applying the job should be done.
For example
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, in 1990 the British government wrote the official statement that the ladies are allowed to
work
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 outside freely
as well as
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 the gentlemen.
In addition
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, during an economic recession, many families need to increase their income for expenditure in daily life. Most of the parents have to
work
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 more than 1 job to
support
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 their children.
To conclude
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, the misunderstanding and unfair conduct led to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 decrease in the number of women in the companies. Reinforcement of the law about hiring a similar amount of male and female officers should be performed properly to find the right ones for the duties and
support
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 the financial status of each home.

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task response
Make sure your introduction succinctly presents the topic and clearly outlines your position.
task response
Ensure examples directly relate to and support your main points, providing concrete evidence for abstract ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on a smooth transition between paragraphs to maintain the flow of your essay.
task response
You provide a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of presenting a point followed by an example is strong.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your position on the topic.
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