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Band 6.5

There are increasing student Drop from school, please share your opinion

#student #drop #school
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In the contemporary era, characterized by demanding prerequisites and a push for higher
education
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, a concerning trend of rising
college
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 dropout rates has ignited a global discourse.
This
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 essay aims to delve into the underlying reasons behind
this
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 phenomenon and propose effective measures to address the issue. On one hand, both society and businesses highly value
individuals
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 with a solid educational background and credentials from reputable universities.
Education
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 stands as a fundamental requirement in today's competitive job market.
However
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,
this
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 pursuit of excellence often leads to unintended consequences.
According to
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 a recent survey conducted by CNN, an alarming 60,000
students
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 drop out of
college
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 every day.
This
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 trend can be attributed to various factors, with one of the most prominent being the pressure to excel and the prevalence of false expectations perpetuated within educational systems. The psychological strain imposed on young
individuals
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 to meet unrealistic standards can often result in a lack of motivation to pursue their academic
endeavors
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endeavours
show examples
further
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.
Moreover
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, the exorbitant costs associated with tuition fees and living expenses present a significant financial burden for many
students
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 and their families. Despite advancements in societal and economic spheres, a considerable number of adolescents are compelled to abandon their educational pursuits
due to
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 financial constraints.
On the other hand
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, the rapidly evolving nature of our society has reshaped the perceptions and values of the millennial generation. Inspired by numerous examples of successful
individuals
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,
such
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 as Bill Gates, many young people are increasingly inclined towards alternative paths to success, often bypassing traditional educational routes.
This
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 shift in mindset reflects a growing recognition of the importance of practical skills and entrepreneurial
endeavors
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endeavours
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 in achieving personal and professional
fulfillment
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fulfilment
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. To effectively address the issue of
college
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 dropout rates, several measures can be implemented.
Firstly
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, there is a need for comprehensive reforms within the
education
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 system to alleviate the pressure on
students
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 and promote a more holistic approach to learning.
This
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 could involve the integration of vocational training programs and practical skill development alongside traditional academic curricula.
Additionally
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, governments and educational institutions must work towards making higher
education
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 more accessible and affordable for all
individuals
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, regardless of their socio-economic background. Scholarships, grants, and financial aid packages can play a crucial role in mitigating the financial barriers that hinder
students
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 from pursuing their educational goals. In conclusion, the escalating rate of
college
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 dropout is a multifaceted issue that warrants urgent attention and concerted efforts from various stakeholders. By addressing the underlying causes and implementing targeted interventions, we can strive towards creating a more inclusive and supportive educational environment that empowers all
individuals
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 to achieve their full potential.
Submitted by futaommy on

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Task Achievement - Relevant Specific Examples
To further enhance your essay, consider incorporating more specific examples and case studies to support your arguments. This will add depth to your essay and make your points more compelling.
Coherence & Cohesion - Logical Structure
While the essay exhibits a strong logical structure and coherence throughout, working on smoother transitions between paragraphs can refine the overall flow. Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to ensure a seamless connection between ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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