IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Practice 16 Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth for their achievements and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#practice #celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
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It is true that there is an
increasingly
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increasing
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trend
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 that
publics
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 get to know a celebrity from his
glamourous
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glamorous
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 appearance and
wealth
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 rather than his real achievement. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 argument because I contend that it contains bias and the majority
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celebrities
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of celebrities
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 who win their reputation among
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Correct article usage
the publics
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publics
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public
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 are known for their
achievements
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. For one thing, I hold the view that many
celebrities
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 are known for their
wealth
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 owing to the intense and fast-moving world
trend
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. With the advent of social media, it is a quite common
trend
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 that some
publics
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 would prefer to watch short pieces of video to save time.
This
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trend
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 fosters some actors to record content catching
public
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the public
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eyes
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eye
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 rather than polishing their skills working on producing masterpieces, an effort
that is
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 very
time consuming
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time-consuming
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.
For example
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, some Hollywood movie stars prefer to showcase their luxury houses in Beverley
hills
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Hills
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 on TikTok to accumulate more viewers, generating more revenue in
short
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a short
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 time.
Thus
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, those adolescents who are TikTok loyal viewers would be attracted to
this
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 unusual life showcase and AI imbedded digital marketing function will accelerate the information absorption and diffusion.
Therefore
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, more and more people will get the unrealistic illusion that
celebrities
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 are more famous for their
wealth
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 and ignore their
achievements
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.
Although
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 I accept that social
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trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
 should be blamed for
this
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 phenomenon, there are still many
celebrities
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 who win
lasting
Correct article usage
a lasting
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 good reputation through their
achievements
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 in their professional domain.
For instance
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,
Elieen
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Eileen
 Gu, the
profession
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professional
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 skiing athlete, sets a lasting good model for adolescents and her perseverance personality and strong achievement in sports are promoted by not only
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Correct article usage
the publics
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publics
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public
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 but
also
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the
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by the
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 national authority.
Such
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 type of
model
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models
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last
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longer
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a longer
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 impression
in
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on
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audience
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the audience
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 than
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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celebrities
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 who capture audiences’ eyes via
low class
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low-class
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 entertainment because
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Correct article usage
the publics
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publics
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public
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 are becoming more
critically
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critical
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 and
skeptically
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sceptical
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 in absorbing information, particularly well-educated next
generations
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generation
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. In conclusion, I partially agree that some
celebrities
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 are famous for their
wealth
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along with
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 the social
trend
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 but young people are more likely to welcome those who showcase their
achievements
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 and virtue.
Submitted by erminelyu on

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task achievement
To improve your task response score, ensure that your essay directly addresses the question posed, maintaining a clear stance throughout. In your introduction, clearly state your opinion, and in the following paragraphs, provide more specific examples and analyses directly linking to how celebrities’ glamour and wealth can set a bad example for young people. Try to explore both sides of the argument if you're taking a balanced view, with each paragraph focusing on a singular main idea to keep your argument structured and impactful.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, focus on enhancing the logical flow between your ideas. While your essay demonstrates a structured approach, using more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help to smooth out the progression between paragraphs and sentences. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that signals what the paragraph is about, keeping your argument easy to follow for the reader.
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