IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that older employees contribute most to the success of a company. Others think that younger people play a more vital role. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some people argue that old
employees
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 are important in one organization in order for it to succeed,
while
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 others believe that young
employees
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 are the major
contributor
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contributors
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in
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to
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 their
accomplishment
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accomplishments
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.
Although
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 the proficiency in
computer
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computers
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 of young
workers
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 can be beneficial for a
company
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, I believe that the experience of old
workers
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 can contribute more to their success.
To begin
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 with, young
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workers
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workers'
worker's
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 knowledge
in
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of
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 technology can give them
advantage
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an advantage
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 over the old
workers
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,
this
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 is especially beneficial to companies since most of them are now using advanced technologies. Young
workers
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 can learn and operate them easily.
For instance
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, most businesses like Facebook and Twitter have young
employees
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. Their knowledge
in
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of
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 computers made them one of the most successful
institution
Change to a plural noun
institutions
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 in the world.
However
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,
On the other hand
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, the years of experience of old
workers
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 can be a great contribution to a
company
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 in order for it to succeed. Their experience made them expert in their field,
therefore
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, they do not need much supervision and their chance of
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
 mistakes
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 less. They can be a great mentor to other
employees
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 which can help the
company
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 to succeed.
For instance
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, most consultants in an
instution
Correct your spelling
institution
 are old in age, and
businessman
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businessmen
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 consult them first because of their expertise before making a decision.
Thus
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, old
employees
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 make a significant impact
in
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on
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 the success of the
company
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. In conclusion,
while
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 people debate if young or old
employees
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more important in the success of the institution, I believe that old
employees
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 are the key players in the
achivement
Correct your spelling
achievement
achievements
 of companies.

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Task Achievement
Make sure each paragraph completes its thought. The second paragraph seems to end abruptly without fully elaborating on the potential drawbacks or limitations of relying solely on young workers.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduce contrasting ideas more clearly to improve the flow between paragraphs. Use phrases like 'Despite these benefits' or 'However, it's important to consider' to bridge your arguments more smoothly.
Task Achievement
To elevate your task achievement score, ensure all parts of the question are thoroughly addressed. Your essay should explore both views in equal measure before concluding with your opinion. The abrupt end to the discussion about younger workers might leave readers feeling this viewpoint wasn't fully explored.
Coherence and Cohesion
Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words. This not only enhances readability but also strengthens the logical flow of your arguments. Examples include 'On the contrary', 'Furthermore', 'As a result', etc.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • vital role
  • deep understanding
  • valuable assets
  • mentoring
  • wisdom
  • tech-savvy
  • innovative ideas
  • eager to learn
  • fast-paced environments
  • dynamic
  • forward-thinking
  • diverse age range
  • leverage
  • unique strengths
  • harmonious
  • effective team
  • continuous learning
  • innovation
  • stability
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