IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #outweigh
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The advent of new technologies has led to changes in young
children
Use synonyms
’s recreational activities. In my view, the drawbacks of those changes are more significant than the benefits. On the one hand, the appearance of new
devices
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 has brought certain values to
children
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.
First,
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more choices are now available on computers or any other electrical
devices
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 that are connected to the Internet.
This
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 would satisfy
children
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 of different preferences for entertainment,
such
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 as watching movies, listening to music or playing
games
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 on online
platform
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platforms
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.
Second,
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some useful skills and necessary qualities can be either
initially
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 obtained or
horned
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honed
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 by playing electronic
games
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. Scientifically, racing
games
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 help develop motor skills in later life.
Also
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, creativity and fast reflexes which are of great use in the future can be enhanced
though
Correct your spelling
through
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 puzzle or shooting
games
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. Despite those
said
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apply
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advantages, I still believe that the downside of the emergence of modern technological
devices
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 in
children
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’s leisure time is more worrying. The first drawback is that
children
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 might develop a passive lifestyle and possibly isolate themselves from society.
This
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 is because
this
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 way of entertainment is extremely addictive, and
children
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therefore
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 are likely to spend hours in their room without any communication with the outside world if exposed frequently.
Furthermore
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, exposure to technology could lead to deterioration in health as hours spent
on
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apply
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using computers can cause tremendous harm to eyesight. In fact,
children
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 at school age are suffering from
short-sight
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short-sightedness
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due to
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 playing video
games
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 or browsing Facebook for a long time. In conclusion, it seems to me that, regarding
children
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’s leisure activities, the benefits of newly introduced technological
devices
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 are eclipsed by the disadvantages.
Submitted by sajee_5 on

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task response
Ensure a clear and balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages of a topic to meet task response requirements fully. While you provided a viewpoint, expanding on both sides equally could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Develop your ideas further with a wider range of linking phrases and cohesive devices. While the essay currently has a logical flow, varying your linking phrases can enhance readability and coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Integrate more transitional phrases to smoothly move from one idea to another, improving the overall cohesion and flow of the essay.
task response
Try to balance the coverage of advantages and disadvantages more evenly in the body paragraphs to maintain a consistent task achievement throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • new technologies
  • children
  • free time
  • access
  • educational resources
  • information
  • development
  • key skills
  • enhancing
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • opportunity
  • connect
  • convenience
  • flexibility
  • lack
  • physical activity
  • potential
  • health issues
  • impact
  • social
  • emotional development
  • exposure
  • inappropriate content
  • addiction
  • dependency
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