IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more people want to own famous brands of cars, clothes and other items. What are the reason for this. Is this a positive or negative trend?

#people #brands #cars #clothes #items #reason #trend
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More and more
people
Use synonyms
 want to own popular
brands
Use synonyms
 of cars, clothes and other items. I think
this
Linking Words
 is a negative trend that
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 tend to lead to a
hedonism
Replace the word
hedonistic
show examples
 habit when they are spending their
money
Use synonyms
 just to fulfil their lifestyles and at the same time believe it will increase their social value in their circle.
However
Linking Words
, they are lacking
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the important part of
money
Use synonyms
mangement
Correct your spelling
management
 which is
investment
Add an article
an investment
show examples
 for future needs. Car
for example
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
brands
Use synonyms
usually
Add a missing verb
are usually
show examples
 very expensive compared to low-medium
brands
Use synonyms
 because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 many benefits and features to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 customers,
for example
Linking Words
, the famous Mercedes Benz
car's
Correct your spelling
car is
show examples
brand equips
Wrong verb form
equipped
show examples
 with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
powerfull
Correct your spelling
powerful
 engine but with
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 elegant design, it's not only the performance of the car is really good but
also
Linking Words
 having it will increase confidence
while
Linking Words
 driving.
People
Use synonyms
 believe if they can afford to own Mercedes Benz, they feel proud of themselves because friends and colleagues will assume they are a
successfull
Correct your spelling
successful
 person in both career and business.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay argues that
this
Linking Words
trends
Change the determiner
trend
show examples
 is negative
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because if
people
Use synonyms
 buy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
brands
Use synonyms
 just because they want to show off to their social circle, they tend to not accurately
measuring
Wrong verb form
measure
show examples
 the negative impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
money
Use synonyms
 management flow.
For example
Linking Words
, the employee who
paid
Wrong verb form
pays
show examples
 $320 a month
wants
Correct word choice
and wants
show examples
 to buy a brand new iPhone 13 with
price
Correct article usage
a price
show examples
$
Change preposition
of $
show examples
599
Correct word choice
and dare
show examples
dare
Correct subject-verb agreement
dares
show examples
 to apply the installment plan just because
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
having it she/he can show off to their friends, though their salary is actually cannot afford it. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
brands
Use synonyms
 have
its
Change the word
the
show examples
 power to pull more and more
people
Use synonyms
 to own
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
,
it's
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not only the product
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 many benefits and features, but
also
Linking Words
 it will increase
people
Use synonyms
's social score if having those
brands
Use synonyms
. But
this
Linking Words
 essay
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend is negative
due to
Linking Words
 most
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 are blind about their financial/
money
Use synonyms
managment
Correct your spelling
management
, and they do not actually understand
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to prioritize their
money
Use synonyms
 between their future needs and lifestyles.
Submitted by anggamaikifrandika on

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, ensure to address both parts of the question more comprehensively. The essay somewhat covers the reasons behind people's desire for famous brands and addresses whether this trend is positive or negative. However, a more balanced and thorough exploration of both aspects will enhance the score. Break down the reasons and consequences into clear, distinct paragraphs and explore multiple viewpoints to fully meet the task requirements.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance Coherence and Cohesion by organizing your ideas more effectively. While your essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion, the flow between ideas can be improved. Use a wider range of linking devices to connect ideas and paragraphs seamlessly. Additionally, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by examples or further explanation to make the structure more logical.
Coherence and Cohesion
For a better Coherence and Cohesion score, consider the variability of sentence structures and the accuracy of linking words. Some sentences are overly long and complex, making the essay difficult to follow. By breaking down complex ideas into shorter, clearer sentences, and using a variety of linking words accurately, your essay will be easier to read and more coherent.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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