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Writing Samples /
Band 2

“Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?”

#“many #offenders #crimes #first #punishment #measures
Many
criminals
 commit more crimes after attempting the first
punishment
. I think
this
 is happening because the first
punishment
 served to the
criminals
 does not give them the deterrent effect, it can be because
it's not align
Change the verb form
it's not aligned
show examples
 with their
type
 of crime or it's too easy for them. The government must work
together with
 the law office to design the appropriate policies
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how to handle
this
 issue,
criminals
 are the
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who break the social
norm
Fix the agreement mistake
norms
show examples
 in their
socitey
Correct your spelling
society
 and they cannot just get the usual
punishment
. They must be given a correct
type
 of
punishment
according to
thier
Correct your spelling
their
type
 of crimes,
for example
, the
drugs
Fix the agreement mistake
drug
show examples
 dealer must be punished
at
Change preposition
for at
show examples
 least
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 whole
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 to give
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 deterrent effect and to impede the
drugs
Fix the agreement mistake
drug
show examples
 chain, in some
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 like Indonesia, people who caught as a drugs dealer will be punished to dead.
To conclude
, it is important that the government work closely with the law office to design the
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to make sure every
criminals
Change to a singular noun
criminal
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 the exact
punishment
type
according to
 their
crimes
Fix the agreement mistake
crime
show examples
 category
Submitted by anggamaikifrandika on

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Task Achievement
To improve Task Achievement, ensure that your ideas are detailed and thoroughly expanded upon. Offer distinct reasons for the recurrence of crimes by offenders and varied, specific solutions to address this issue. Emphasizing the cause-and-effect relationship more clearly will aid in providing a comprehensive response.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, focus on organizing your ideas more logically and maintaining a clear thread of argument throughout the essay. Use cohesive devices effectively (e.g., conjunctions, discourse markers) to connect your ideas seamlessly. Additionally, strive for a distinct separation of paragraphs, each dedicated to a specific point or aspect of the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, aim for a clear thesis statement and a summarizing conclusion that reflects the main points discussed. This will help in achieving a higher score in 'Introduction and Conclusion Present'.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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