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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the developed world, average life expactancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that caould be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

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It is common for developed countries that the average lifespan is increasing.
This
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 situation causes a
number
Use synonyms
 of issues. In
this
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 essay, I plan to consider some of them and possible solutions for reducing their negative impacts.
To begin
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 with hardships, the
grown
Replace the word
growing
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number
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 of aged people makes higher the
number
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 of demands for medical treatment for
aged-related
Correct your spelling
age-related
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 illnesses. In
this
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 term,
this
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 trend may be considered
as
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apply
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a burden on the healthcare system.
For example
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, the period of expectation for a person who booked an appointment in a medical institution might
last
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 longer
due to
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 huge quantity of individuals who need treatments. Along
that
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with that
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,
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
an elderly
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 population can lead to labour shortages and decreased productivity as they stay longer in their jobs.
For instance
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, if a company has to keep positions for old men, young specialists will lose a chance to get a job there despite the fact
of
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apply
show examples
their modern and progressive techniques
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are not available to the older specialists and, without an argumentation, negatively impact
on
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apply
show examples
the productivity. Among the possible remedies, I would like to point out the reform of
pension
Correct article usage
the pension
show examples
 system to give older people the opportunity to retire early.
For instance
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, benefits and packages that will support their life after retirement. Another measure that can help to mitigate the burden on the healthcare system could be promoting healthy lifestyles to reduce the onset of age-related diseases. The later a person
demand
Correct subject-verb agreement
demands
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 treatments the less strain be on medical
istitutions
Correct your spelling
institutions
.
Moreover
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, encouraging families to have more children through family-friendly policies can balance the age demographic.
To sum up
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, the growing
number
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 of aged people has the negatives, yet, providing appropriate policies for early retirement, healthy lifestyles, and the demographic balance can help to alleviate
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 impacts.

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is fully developed with specific examples. While you have attempted to provide examples, they could be more detailed and concrete to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples that are directly related to the points being made. Using real-world examples or statistics can significantly enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Maintain coherence by carefully organizing your essay. Your essay has a good overall structure, but some paragraphs can benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the essay question.
coherence and cohesion
Improve cohesion by utilizing a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will make your essay flow more naturally and be easier to follow.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • age-related illnesses
  • financial burden
  • pension systems
  • working-age population
  • labor shortages
  • productivity
  • social isolation
  • mental health issues
  • dependency ratio
  • healthy lifestyles
  • family-friendly policies
  • automation
  • technology
  • social programs
  • sustainability
  • incentives
  • retirement
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