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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

We live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. To what extent do you agree

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In the coming days, technology has played an imperative role in every activity which makes easier our life
such
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 as the
Internet
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. By using the
internet
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 our lives are more convenient and comfortable.
However
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, several
people
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 believe that the
internet
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 has some serious problems to consider regarding security
data
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 and control
information
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. I partially agree with
this
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 position for a variety of reasons. There are a lot of arguments that support the idea that the
internet
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 has numerous pros in our lives.
Firstly
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, the biggest reason of advantage is that
people
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 are brought together around the corner of the world which helps them to share their
information
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 and exchange ideas like insta and Facebook because in the modern world of technology, everyone has to access online platforms, it will help them for who are living in the remote of the era.
For instance
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, in my experiences during the pandemic, my school closed for 1 year
then
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 I joined with online platform
such
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 as Zoom application. so, I took my books on an online platform because I was living far away and I couldn’t afford to come city.
Therefore
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, in
this
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 decade,
people
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 make it easier to connect with the net. On another hand, there is some evidence to explore that the
internet
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 has drawbacks, especially in
data
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 breaches. nowadays most
people
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 are using social platforms and many of them don’t have any comfort zone for posting codes pictures or personal
information
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.
Moreover
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, it will be a greater risk to their life in the future. Because they put their private
information
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 and personal
data
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 with any prohibition.
For example
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, in my experience I used to be on an online platform for a long time
such
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 as Facebook I put my picture
as a result
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 some hackers hacked my photo into their account.
As a result
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, the
internet
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 has serious problems with security
information
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. In conclusion, the advancement of the technology and
internet
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 has critical rules that make it easier in our daily lives how
however
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 it has some corns about cybersecurity and creepy
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
such
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 as hacking our private
data
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.

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task achievement
Expand on the discussion of both views before reaching a conclusion, to ensure a complete response to the essay prompt.
task achievement
Consider using clearer topic sentences to introduce paragraphs and ensure points made are directly linked to answering the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the cohesiveness of your essay by employing a wider range of linking phrases and transitional words to connect ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are more directly reflective of the essay's main arguments and your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Use specific examples to support your arguments throughout the essay to strengthen the coherence and demonstrate the impact of internet advantages and disadvantages more concretely.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • global connectivity
  • digital banking
  • cybersecurity
  • data protection
  • security breaches
  • cyber attacks
  • online transactions
  • digital divide
  • surveillance
  • freedom of information
  • responsible usage
  • ethical considerations
  • digital footprints
  • online behavior
  • information inequality
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