IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A person’s health is their own responsibility rather than the government’s responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Most of the public believes that the citizen's
health
Use synonyms
 is totally responsible for themselves,
instead
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 of giving
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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to the
government
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's hands. From my perspective, I partially agree with the statement.
However
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, the
government
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 should
also
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 take a few responsibilities for the public. So, I will discuss the topic on both the side of agree and disagree point of view. Starting from the positive point of view. It is true that
people
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 should take their own responsibility for taking
care
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 of themselves,
instead
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 of looking for helping hands for basic treatments. Nowadays, citizens are totally engaged
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their employment and other necessary activities.
Likewise
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, they are supposed to show the same eagerness to maintain their body
health
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, which plays a huge role in protecting them from diseases.
Furthermore
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, when a person
take
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takes
show examples
care
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 of themselves are more protected, when compared with other categories of
people
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.
As a result
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, it helps to increase their life span.
For example
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, most doctors say that a person who cares about his or her own
health
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 is like to live without causing any infections.
As a result
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, it helps them to save a lot of money in their bank account.
On the other hand
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, the
government
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 should not neglect its responsibility to protect the public from harmful diseases. Even though,
people
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 are responsible for their own
health
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. The
government
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 should take
care
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 of the public by introducing public schemes
such
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 as free
health
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care
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 treatment for the
people
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 who live below the poverty line
,
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apply
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 and providing some tax exemption for medical expenses.
In addition
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, the ruling party are supposed to take action for school-going
people
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 by providing mid-day meals and monthly medical checkups, which make them
to be
Verb problem
apply
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fit and healthy.
For instance
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, most data analysts found that the
government
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
provides a tremendous amount of free healthcare schemes are utilised by the public, which helps them at both financial and
health
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 levels. In a nutshell, it is important that both the
government
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 and the public should take action against their
health
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 conditions. In my opinion, I suggest the
government
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 create awareness about
health
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 checkups for the public.
As a result
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, they will be protected from serious viruses like cancer.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph begins clearly stating the main topic or argument it intends to cover. This will improve logical structure by making the text more organized and easier for the reader to follow.
coherence cohesion
Try to more explicitly link sentences and paragraphs together using cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., 'furthermore', 'in addition'), pronouns ('this', 'it'), and lexical chains. This will improve the cohesion and flow of your text.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, work on making your conclusion more reflective of the overall discussion in the essay. Restate your position clearly and summarise the key points debated to strengthen the overall argument.
task achievement
Ensure to fully respond to all parts of the task. Your essay should reflect a balanced discussion of the topic, with a clear, final stance on the issue. Be sure to also clearly address how much you agree or disagree with the statement in your conclusion.
task achievement
Aim for your ideas to be clearer and more comprehensive by expanding on them with detailed explanations and a wider range of examples. This strengthens your arguments and makes the essay more compelling.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your points. These examples can be drawn from your personal experience, observations, or from credible sources. Specific examples can greatly help in clarifying and validating your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal accountability
  • health outcomes
  • public health campaigns
  • regulations
  • healthcare services
  • environmental quality
  • socio-economic factors
  • governmental intervention
  • healthy living
  • informed health decisions
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