IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

The government should spend more money on medical research to protect citizens’ health rather than on protecting the environment. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the world is completely concerned about human safety, regarding health status;
therefore
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, cutting-edge approaches have been applied to promote momentum. Some people contemplate that the government should allocate more financial resources to the issue than other formidable problems,
such
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 as habitat.
Besides
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, improving medical systems may have a positive impact on human beings, but I partially agree that environmental problems need to be worked out as soon as possible. On the one hand, many proponents speculate that the search for new drugs could possibly boost the immune system to prevent serious disease.
In addition
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, cancer has been nominated as one of the most dangerous illnesses recently.
For example
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, over 1,000 patients in Indonesia have suffered from it and even 30% the number of them passed away.
Consequently
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, the researcher must undoubtedly provide a solution to handle it, which the financial requirements will be prepared by the government.
On the other hand
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, I personally believe that environmental issues need to be evaluated quickly.
According to
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 the data, it revealed that over 80% of pure water has deteriorated because of human activities.
For instance
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, over two-thirds of Indonesia's river has been contaminated by microplastic since the number of synthetic bottles has been widely utilized.
As a result
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, the problem might promote a tremendous disease in the future that could negatively influence all entities on the earth.
To sum up
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, it is inevitable that human life needs to be supported by advanced technologies, which require a lot of money.
Nonetheless
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, in my perspective, the earth
also
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 should be taken into account as a shelter in the future.

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Task Response
Ensure a clear stance throughout your essay. While presenting both sides of the argument, make your position and reasoning clearer to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance your introduction and conclusion to better encapsulate your argument's essence and reinforce your standpoint more distinctly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures and transitions to improve the flow and readability of your text.
Task Response
Integrate more specific examples and data to support your argument. Ensure these examples are directly linked to the points you are making for greater impact.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • moral obligation
  • advanced treatments
  • economic benefits
  • workforce
  • healthcare costs
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • comprehensive benefits
  • investment
  • global sustainability
  • long-term health security
  • disease proliferation
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