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Writing Samples /
Band 6

it is dificult for people in cities to get enough physical excercise. What are the causes and solutions?

#dificult #people #cities #excercise
In modern society, people have the tendency to spend less
time
 with their family members. From my point of view,
this
 development can be attributed to several reasons and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 negative effects on both the individual and their family. To start with, people’s declining amount of
time
 spent with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 stems from the
generation
 gap and the boom of personal
entertainment
 choices. First of all, the
generation
 gap has been a longstanding problem.
Due to
 a disparity in beliefs between ages, a lack of understanding is born, making one
generation
 in a family feel less sympathetic towards another
generation
’s problems.
Thus
, cross-generational communication becomes less enjoyable for all parties.
Secondly
, more personal
entertainment
 choices are readily available now, reducing people’s need to partake in other activities.
While
 in former times, people could only talk to one another or take part in outdoor activities, nowadays, people are engrossed in unlimited forms of
entertainment
, and
neglecting
Replace the word
neglect
show examples
 to spend
time
 with their families. The tendency
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
sparing
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 less
time
 with their family brings both the individual and the family undesirable impacts.
Firstly
, individuals who are not close
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their family tend to be more problematic. Children growing up without parental love are more susceptible to emotional problems
such
 as being emotionally detached or having low self-esteem from feeling undesired. As a family is everyone’s basic need, what living apart does is
taking
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
 away one of life’s necessities.
Moreover
, with weak ties, families can be broken apart.
This
 is because the basic function of a family is to support each other, without quality
time
 together,
this
 goal cannot be achieved. In conclusion, the trend of spending less
time
 with family comes from the
generation
 gap and the increase of personal
entertainment
 forms.
Furthermore
,
this
 development has negative effects on both the individual’s well-being and their families.
Submitted by nguyenhoanghadl on

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Task Achievement
To improve task response, ensure that your essay directly addresses the question prompt. It appears that your essay tackled a slightly different topic - the decline in family time rather than the causes and solutions for the difficulty in obtaining physical exercise in cities.
Task Achievement
Provide clearer and more specific examples to support your points. This can be achieved by illustrating your points with real-world situations or data where possible.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a logical structure through clear paragraphing, but try to explicitly link your paragraphs using cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., furthermore, however, on the other hand).
Coherence and Cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, reinforcing them with a more direct restatement of the problem and summarizing your proposed solutions might strengthen your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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