IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the increasing use of computers and mobile phones for communication have a negative impact on young people’s writing and reading skills. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #computers #phones #communication #impact #people’s #skills
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Nowadays, the usage of modern technology is becoming more and more common among individuals, especially younger ones.
However
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, they can experience some negative consequences of
this
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 tendency for both their reading and writing skills. In fact, it is highly impossible to imagine our lives without computers, phones and other gadgets. I mean that every person depends on hi-techs in most cases and they can not fulfil their daily tasks not using
such
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 devices.
Therefore
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, teaching pupils and students effectively with the help of machinery has been dominant and popular in most school curricula over the past decades. In Japan,
for instance
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, all the lessons are conducted with modern equipment like electronic boards, projectors, laptops, tablets and so on
as well as
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 pupils are demanded to be aware of using these items and create something new during the school years.
As a result
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 of
this
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, in Japan, nano-technology has developed more significantly than in other countries.
Nonetheless
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, it is admitted that
this
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 trend is
also
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 impacting youngsters' literacy levels much more seriously
such
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 as writing and reading skills. Namely, they spend most of their valuable time utilizing
such
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 kinds of gadgets even when they are eating. To make sure, teenagers tend to chat with their fellows with their devices
instead
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 of writing traditional letters and
thus
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 their handwriting is decreasing sharply and becoming illegible,
additionally
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, they do not spare enough time for reading activities as they are addicted to modern technology.
Consequently
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, it can cause their memory and eyesight to diminish, insomnia, shapeless frameworks of their body muscles and a lack of active lifestyles.
Moreover
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, if children sleep with their phones near their beds, they can get a huge amount of radiation and
this
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 causes the decay of bones. In conclusion,
whereas
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 most young people rely on computer technology in many ways, I strongly believe that there should be a balance in using them.
Submitted by saydusmonovasomiddin94 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within that paragraph link clearly to that idea. You can improve this by using topic sentences at the start of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Increase the range of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas more clearly, such as 'consequently', 'on the other hand', or 'in contrast'.
task achievement
Expand your argument by discussing both views more comprehensively, even if you have a strong opinion towards one. This would show a more balanced and considered approach to the question.
task achievement
Use more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to convey your ideas more effectively. Try to avoid repeating the same words or phrases and incorporate more complex grammatical structures.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. While you mentioned Japan's educational technology, providing more detailed examples or statistics would strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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