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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family, whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solution?

#experts #people #exercise #time #loneliness #health
Nowadays, many
people
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 health problems and
also
loneliness
,
while
 older
people
 in the past felt happier and healthier because they had much time to quality time with family and did some exercise as the professional said. There are some
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
 and
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to resolve why
this
 case happens and
this
 essay will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. The
cause
 of
this
 case is
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 technology developing rapidly in the modern era. Many
people
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their time mostly
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 technology
such
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 and
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 to communicate or do
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 and it
is increase
Change the verb form
increases
show examples
 unhealthy habits and feelings of
loneliness
.
For instance
,
people
 who work in front of computers become unhealthy
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 because they rarely
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
stretch or move their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 which can
cause
 illnesses
such
 as heart disease and it
is makes
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
 rarely direct social interaction which can increase feelings of
loneliness
. The bad habits that impact physical and mental health should be considered by
people
 to decrease the problems of
loneliness
 and unhealthy bodies at the present times. Individuals should make a plan to always stretch and relax their body and
also
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 conversation in real life with family or friends even easily catching up on the phone today.
For instance
, my friends live alone in another city and she is a freelance worker who
work
Change the verb form
works
show examples
 from home with overwork
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes her depressed because feels lonely and unhealthy
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 she rarely
to meet
Change the verb form
meets
show examples
people
 and
also
 rarely
to exercise
Change the verb form
exercises
show examples
 that impacts
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overwork. In conclusion, the
cause
 of many
people
 suffering from
loneliness
 and health problems is the impact of
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of technology in modern times.
However
,
people
 should be aware of their bad habits which impact their
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
.
Submitted by writingieltsband9 on

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coherence cohesion
Aim to structure your essay more effectively by including clear paragraphs each addressing specific aspects of the question. For example, dedicate individual paragraphs to discussing causes, effects, and solutions separately.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the introduction clearly states what the essay will discuss. Similarly, the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position. Doing so will strengthen your essay’s coherence.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more persuasive and give your essay a stronger task response score.
task achievement
Avoid repeating ideas or phrases. Instead, try to bring in a variety of points and examples that support your argument, focusing on clarity and relevance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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