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Band 5.5

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Other think that those who contribute to society like scientist and teachers are more successful. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals #money #society #scientist #teachers
People
 have different views as to whether
people
 who are rich are more successful than
people
 who put themselves before others. Despite the fact that (
although
) wealthy
people
 are held in high regard , I believe that selfless / selfish
people
 should be given more respect. On the one hand, there are two main reasons to believe
why
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 rich
people
 are considered to be successful.
Firstly
, under
capitalism
Add a comma
capitalism,
show examples
 success is often measured by how much money a person has and not how much contribution one makes. In a highly materialistic society,
people
 are judged based on their possessions, ranging from the vehicles they drive to the brand-name clothes they have.
Secondly
, many
people
 are self-made billionaires who have worked very hard and smart, overcoming countless obstacles and disappointments. Unfortunately, not everyone can do
this
 since the majority of
people
 can barely make ends meet or they rather lack the determination.
However
, selfless
people
 like scientists and teachers should be given more social
recognitions
Fix the agreement mistake
recognition
show examples
. These
people
 sacrifice themselves for the greater good and always think of other
people
 before themselves. Without teachers who work for public rather than private schools, an all-inclusive society will not exist as many underprivileged
people
 will be ignored and left behind.
As a result
, there will be huge social inequalities and many
people
 will have no choice but to protest, rob or create chaos in order to survive.
For instance
, there have been a lot of
protest
Fix the agreement mistake
protests
show examples
 because of
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
unequal wealth distribution in countries like Thailand where there are a large number of rich and successful
people
. In conclusion,
although
 being rich can mean being very successful, it seems to me that success should be measured by social contributions. I strongly believe that we should respect selfless
people
 more than rich
people
.
Submitted by peaphee123456789 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
1. Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout the essay. While your essay has a basic structure, focusing on enhancing the fluidity between ideas can improve coherence. Use a variety of connective words and phrases to better link ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
2. Work on a more impactful introduction and conclusion. These should distinctly set the stage and wrap up your argument, respectively. Try to rephrase the prompt in the introduction in your own words and state your opinion more clearly.
Task Achievement
3. Provide more specific examples to support your points. While you mention examples, such as the situation in Thailand, adding more detail and how exactly it illustrates your point will strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
4. Develop your ideas more comprehensively. Expand on how the actions of selfless individuals directly impact society's success, possibly comparing to specific implications of wealth accumulation lacking direct social contributions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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