IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that all entertainment television programs should educate people about the importance of social issues. Do you agree or disagree?

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The importance of
entertainment
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 is undeniable, especially in the form of television
programs
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, it has permeated every aspect of our lives.
Nevertheless
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, it has sparked heated controversies many people claim that all
entertainment
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 television
programs
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 should provide and reinforce radical knowledge about social problems. From my perspective, I totally agree with that viewpoint. Admittedly, the balance between
entertainment
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 and work is essential as we have to unwind our minds in various entertaining ways. Adding more social concerns on all television
programs
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 may cause the opposite effect. In detail, TV
programs
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 are regarded as an aid-kit tool for entertaining after a long stressful day.
However
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, if we watch too much content about social problems on TV
programs
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, it will bring a negative image to society.
Consequently
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, the anxiety about community may occur,
such
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 as antisocial personality disorder.
However
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, it has
a
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apply
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plenty of crime cases in many countries nowadays
due to
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 the increase in crime rates, and social evils,...
That is
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 the reason why we should provide the educational system about social for citizens in order to reinforce the knowledge foundation. From that, we need to insert more videos or informative news about society into TV
programs
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.
As a result
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, adults, especially young children can know obviously and have the awareness to avoid some serious issues which they have to cope with and
then
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 find a solution for these problems.
Besides
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, social topics are regarded as a big problem of a nation, so, watching
programs
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 which are added to these matters may increase deep awareness from households.
As a result
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, the sustainability and development of a state can be observed apparently. In conclusion,
although
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 it is unfair to say that all
entertainment
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programs
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 should have educational values, I am of the opinion that all
entertainment
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programs
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 should spread social issues and provide informative news about the community as much as possible.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to introduce the topic and your opinion clearly in the introduction. This will set the tone for your essay and provide a clear direction for your argument.
Task Achievement
Incorporate specific examples that directly support your points. While you have touched on several important aspects, providing concrete examples can strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to make your writing more engaging and to improve the flow. Using a mix of complex and compound sentences can enhance the clarity of your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be consistent with your argument throughout your essay. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis you are trying to prove. This consistency helps in maintaining clarity and focus.
Task Achievement
While your essay covers the required aspects, focusing on expanding and clearly articulating your examples can help in improving the completeness of your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
For a stronger essay, ensure your conclusion summarizes your main points and reiterates your position clearly. This reinforces your argument and leaves a lasting impression.
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