Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development.
There is a widely held view among people that several
kids
spend their time on their smartphones
on a daily basis. The essay will discuss some possible reasons behind this
issue, and I strongly believe that this
is a negative development.
Firstly
, there are a couple of reasons why this
is the case. Having said that, parents have been quite busy with their workload these days, which would make them spend less time on
playing with their babies. They have to use Change preposition
apply
smartphones
as a last
resort to stop their kids
from bothering them. Additionally
, more and more parents get married without furnishing themselves with any knowledge related to marriage, childbearing, and childrearing. This
would lead them to be indifferent to taking care of their boys and girls. As a results
, they let their Correct the article-noun agreement
result
children
play and watch smartphones
too much.
Secondly
, there are some pros and cons to this
cult. Initially
, smartphones
can entertain children
. The fact is that there are
a wide range of programs for Change the verb form
is
kids
, such
as cartoons, music, or educational channels, that attract children
to keep their eyes on screen
. If fathers and mothers consider these programs thoroughly, they will help Add an article
the screen
children
develop to some extent. For example
, children
can learn English through English programs. In contrast
, their kids
will suffer from some diseases, for instance
, short-sighted eyes or mental instability, if parents let their kids
see
films excessively. Verb problem
watch
Furthermore
, constantly gluing
on those devices may cause them to lose communication since they don't want to interact with others. Change the spelling
glueing
Consequently
, they may suffer from autism or depression.
In conclusion, more and more young people are becoming addicted to phones. Although
this
trend has some advantages, I think that the disadvantages can overshadow its merits.Submitted by hongmien.n on
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task achievement
Improve topic sentences for each paragraph to make your main ideas clearer. For instance, instead of starting the second paragraph with 'Firstly,' consider specifying the particular point you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your connection between paragraphs is smoother. For example, use phrases like 'Moreover,' or 'Another reason is...' to create a logical flow.
task achievement
Consider elaborating more on your examples. For instance, when mentioning English programs for learning, you could detail what specific benefits they bring to child development.
language
Try to minimize small grammatical errors. For example, replace 'use smartphones as a last resort to stop their kids from bothering them' with 'use smartphones as a last resort to keep their kids occupied.'
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly outlines the problem and your stance, which contributes positively to the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main ideas and reinforces your viewpoint, providing a coherent end to your discussion.
task achievement
The essay covers both reasons for children spending time on smartphones and the positive and negative impacts, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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