IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Television is dangerous because it destroys family life and any sense of community; instead of visiting people or talking with our family, we just watch television. To what extent fo you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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It is said that the presence of televisions has the tendency to destroy interactions and the sense of community of families. I totally agree with the suggested opinion since TV presence reduces our desire to visit our family and kills communication between the members. Individuals desire to visit less their families when they have a TV at home, destroying any sentiment of community within the group. Indeed, When obnubilated by their devices, people tend to forget about others and focus only on watching their desired show or news.
For instance
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, Harvard has conducted a study on the evolution of family visits in comparison with the amount of devices sold. The statistics demonstrated that since the mondialisation of
this
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 object in the 80s, the number of familial visits has decreased by over 75% on average.
Consequently
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Furthermore
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, the development of watchable electronic devices abolished any possibility of interaction with peers. In our present day, the conversations and activities of said group mostly revolve around what there is on TV or at what time the news starts making any chances of communication very slim.
For example
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, I used to not know many things about my Morrocan family because when I would visit them,we would spend the few days we had together watching the French news channel. It made me aware of how dangerous they are and their impact on my close relatives.
To conclude
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, I
wholeheartely
Correct your spelling
wholeheartedly
 agree with the statement
due to
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 the fact that televisions monopolise every interaction and desire to visit relatives causing the endangerment of familial relations.

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in Task Achievement, ensure that your essay fully addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument (if applicable) or providing a more nuanced perspective. Additionally, incorporate a broader range of examples and evidence to support your points, making them more persuasive and comprehensive.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, focus on creating a more logical flow of ideas throughout your essay. This can be achieved by properly using linking words and ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Also, aim to have a clear distinction between your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion to improve the organization of your essay.
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