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Band 5

Older people often choose to spend money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #money #e #g #holidays #children #retirement #development
Nowadays, there is
visible
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a visible
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 tendency
that
Correct word choice
for
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 a great number of retirees
spend
Fix the infinitive
to spend
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 savings on themselves rather than on their children.
While
 some consider
that is
 a wonderful time to see the world,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 have a purpose to make their offspring more responsible and independent.
This
 essay will outline major reasons
of
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for
show examples
this
 trend and explain why
this
 development may be
appositive
Correct your spelling
a positive
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 one for a modern society. Apparently, it is believed that financial help
that is
 provided by parents
,
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apply
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 may make
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
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 of children considerably easier.
Moreover
, mother and father are supposed to prevent their descendants from a number of difficulties, which could appear in the life of their child.
For instance
, if a student has merely graduated from university,
then
 he may not have a permanent job, and
accordingly
, sufficient finances to exist.
However
, it is better to explain to him how to find a solution
from
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to
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this
 situation,
due to
 the fact that the offspring will become liable for his own existence. Clearly, the trend to spend money on themselves may lead to numerous beneficial consequences.
Firstly
, after numerous years of
a
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apply
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persistent work, elderly people
finally
 are able to enjoy a restful life. Not only can they travel abroad and explore new countries, but
also
 they can engage in their
favorite
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favourite
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 ways of pastimes.
Therefore
, a huge variety of activities are available for an elderly person, whose children are taught to rely only on themselves in case of
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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financial difficulties. In conclusion, the decision of pensioners to enjoy their own hard-earned money can be the reason
of
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for
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 some arguments in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Nevertheless
, I believe it may have a
favorable
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favourable
show examples
 impact on both categories.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt directly and covers both perspectives of elderly spending. However, the explanation of why this is a positive development can be more explicitly connected to broader societal benefits for a stronger argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is present but can benefit from clearer connections between ideas. For instance, the link between elderly spending and children becoming independent can be elaborated to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear central idea, and transitions between points can be smoother. Using connectives and transition phrases consistently will improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by considering both the benefits to retirees and the positive effects on their offspring.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the main points of the essay.
task achievement
The essay is comprehensive and brings up relevant examples to support the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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