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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schoolto prepare students for managing money effectively. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#education #schoolto #students #money
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To
inquire
Verb problem
equip
show examples
students
 with effective money
management
 skills, financial
education
 should be obligatory in schools .
Although
 it could enhance
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 understanding of budgeting and fiscal responsibility, it could be not appropriate to all levels of pupils, as
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 all of them could have mature
mindset
Fix the agreement mistake
mindsets
show examples
. Introducing financial
management
 as a subject will empower
students
 to grasp the principles of effective money
management
. As it will be more advantageous to them in their future career. They will learn how to spend and earn money in
efficient
Change the article
an efficient
show examples
 way ,
how
Correct word choice
and how
show examples
 to supply their own life expenses.
Furthermore
 being aware of financial
management
 will enhance their awareness of prudent allocation of funds.
For instance
, they will be able to efficiently administer their allowance and refrain from spending on unnecessary items.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 early exposure to financial
education
 can
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 a culture of saving and discourage frivolous spending habits in young individuals. On the opposite,
while
 there are benefits to making financial
education
 mandatory for
students
, it is compulsory to consider the appropriateness of
this
 subject
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 different academic levels.
For example
, if
first grade
Add a hyphen
first-grade
show examples
students
 are taught about finances, it will be tough
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 them understand, as they might not have the cognitive capacity to comprehend its complexities.
Thus
, it is essential to limit the introduction of financial
education
 to higher academic levels where
students
 have a more developed understanding of monetary concepts.
To conclude
, the benefits of
this
 field will be more pronounced for
students
 with a strong grasp of financial concepts enhancing their
overall
 understanding of financial
management
,
whereas
 it may prove to be burdensome for those who are not yet proficient in financial matters.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Refine your introduction and conclusion to make your position clearer. Explicitly stating your viewpoint at the beginning can make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Consider diversifying your examples and arguments to better cover the topic. While you have provided some illustrative examples, additional varied examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Focus on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and within them to enhance the flow of your essay. Transitional phrases can help connect ideas more cohesively.
coherence and cohesion
Check for and correct grammatical errors and typos to improve readability. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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