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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that zoos are cruel and have no place in the modern world. Others feel that zoos still serve a useful purpose. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #zoos #place #world #purpose
It is generally accepted that zoos have been consuming cruel
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to
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animals
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in
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these days,
whereas
 some communities think that
Fix the agreement mistake
zoos
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zoo
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 useful
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places
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to
Verb problem
places
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place
.
This
 essay will demonstrate both sides of the viewer in the following paragraphs. Some tourists have an opinion that the
zoo
 is not a good
place
 for
animals
,
due to
 limited space and separating them from nature.
Firstly
, the construction in the
zoo
 is not similar to
in
Correct pronoun usage
that in
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 the forest, which might make
animals
 lack space.
While
 they are in the forest, they have more opportunities to walk, find food, and live in natural sources. Even humans try to build fake spaces for them in the
zoo
, but the atmosphere of nature cannot be built the same as the original one.
Secondly
, taking them to a new
place
, means that the animal has to be separated from their own family.
This
 might cause
animals
 bad feelings.
Moreover
,
animals
 have to be on the show
everyday
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every day
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, which is not their own common personality.
In contrast
, living in a safe
place
such
 as a
zoo
 is beneficial
among
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for
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them because they will get well on treats and a better quality life of living.
Furthermore
, the staffs always take care of the
animals
, which means they will definitely get
a
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apply
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good treatment in both
foods
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food
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 and medicine, unlike living
by
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on
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 their own
sometime
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sometimes
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 they cannot heal themself.
Additionally
, a good community of meeting a variety types living creatures
such
 as humans.
This
 is a good opportunity for them to learn how to adapt themself
in
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to
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 different situations. In the
zoo
, they
also
 let
animals
 show their talents, which is amazing and makes kids happy from watching their dream
animals
 playing a game show. In conclusion, letting
animals
 live in
the
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apply
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different cultures of
atmosphere
Add an article
the atmosphere
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 has both benefits and drawbacks as the reason mentioned above. As a suggestion, people should be more
of
Correct word choice
aware of
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 the animal quality of life, to make them happy to stay with humans.
Submitted by piasnatcha09 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the use of cohesive devices, such as transition phrases, to better link ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Work on writing a more coherent introduction that clearly presents the topic and your stance.
coherence cohesion
Expand the conclusion to more clearly summarize both sides of the argument and reiterate your own opinion definitively.
task achievement
Try to develop a clearer and stronger thesis statement in your introduction to guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments, enhancing the persuasiveness and depth of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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