IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today children are spending much more time watching TV compared to the past. Why do you think this happens? Is this a positive or a negative change?

#children #time #tv #change
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Children
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 are known to spend a lot of
time
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 watching
TV
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 in comparison to the past. I believe that there are several underlying factors that can contribute to
this
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, and I completely agree that
this
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 brings more negative change for the
children
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. In comparison to the past,
children
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 are now spending much more
time
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 watching
TV
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due to
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 a
lack
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 of discipline from their parents.
This
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 can be
due to
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 the business of their parents and
lack
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 of
time
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 to communicate properly with the
children
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. Parents usually allow their
children
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 to watch
TV
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 during their free
time
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.
However
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, because they are still
children
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 and
lack
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 self-discipline, they are prone to waste
time
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 for entertainment purposes like watching
TV
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.
Firstly
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, increasing screen
time
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while
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 watching
TV
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 means that
children
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 are more exposed to radiation. Radiation poses a significant threat to them because
children
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 are usually not aware of the radiation on the
TV
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.
Thus
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,
children
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’s eyes are more susceptible to damage and they might use glasses at an early age.
Secondly
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,
children
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 will have less
time
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 to connect with other people if they spend too much
time
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 watching
TV
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. Socialising is essential for
children
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’s development, as it helps them to grow. Social skills are necessary to help them understand society and develop their empathy.
However
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, if they spend excessive
time
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 watching
TV
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, they will
lack
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 communication skills. In conclusion,
although
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 it has become more popular for
children
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 to spend their leisure
time
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 watching
TV
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, I believe that it has brought about too many problems for
this
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 to be considered a positive trend.
Submitted by tiana29.alisjahbana on

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear argument, incorporating a wider range of specific examples could strengthen your points. Consider adding more detailed instances or real-life examples that directly support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a coherent structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, to enhance coherence and cohesion further, you can make use of a wider variety of cohesive devices. This includes synonyms, discourse markers, and transitional phrases that can help to link ideas more smoothly and make your reasoning clearer.
task achievement
When discussing negative changes or effects, it's beneficial to mention possible solutions or recommendations briefly. This adds depth to your argument and shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic. Include a sentence or two suggesting how these issues could be mitigated or what alternative activities could benefit children more.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • educational content
  • entertainment
  • relaxation
  • physical activity
  • cultural exposure
  • mental health
  • visual skills
  • auditory skills
  • advertisements
What to do next:
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