IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this case? What problem can it cause?

#children #hours #smartphones #case
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A long
time
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 spent using
smartphones
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 by
children
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 daily is caused by the addictiveness of those devices. The writer believes that it is a negative change
due to
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 the harmful effects on
children
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's health and the distraction from work. It should be noted that the reason for the overuse of
smartphones
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 at young ages is that
smartphones
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 are very addicting.
In other words
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, by using
smartphones
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,
children
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 can access a variety of content
such
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 as movies, books
as well as
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 games.
Therefore
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, because opinions are almost unlimited
,
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apply
show examples
while
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 using their phone,
children
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 will be captivated by those things and spend hours and hours playing with them. One of the disadvantages of his development is that it deteriorates
children
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's health.
That is
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 to say, staying in their room and using phones is always more comfortable than doing outdoor activities or housework, which means the more
time
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children
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 spend on their devices, the lazier they become.
Additionally
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, the blue light coming from the screens
along with
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 the raid light movement is very harmful to their eyes when their screen
time
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 is too high. Another point worth considering is that
children
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 will be kept away from their work. Simply put, since the Internet is free to access, everyone can post everything they want on it and teenagers can easily use their phones to approach them.
Moreover
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, once the teens finish a movie, a book, or a game match, another one will be suggested which creates a never-ending loop.
As a consequence
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, when they dive deeper into those entertainment options, they will forge about their work, and when they realize that, it is already too late. In conclusion, the problem of
children
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 spending most of their
time
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 using their
smartphones
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 is caused by the addictiveness of the devices.
Thus
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, making the health of the
children
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 go down and
also
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 causing distraction.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task response
To improve task response, ensure your arguments are fully developed and substantiated with a wider range of examples. This will make your essay more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay by making greater use of linking words and phrases. This will create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs, making your arguments easier to follow.
lexical resource
Work on varying your sentence structures and incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary. This will improve the readability and the overall quality of your essay, making it more engaging and impactful.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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