IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that
parents
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 who have obese
children
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 should be judged for being fat. And I am totally in agreement with
this
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 statement because
parents
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 should manage the diets of their kids, and obesity can cause many adult diseases.
Firstly
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,
parents
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 are charged for the diet of their
children
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. They should
care
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 about the balance of nutrients, how much the calories are, and the amount they have in every meal. Because
children
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 don't
care
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 about it, they don't have any idea about the nutrients, portions they have, or something like that. Especially, they so much like sweats,
such
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 as chocolates, candies, and gummies. If they have these kinds of sweats,
then
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 they just have it as much as they can eat it.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 control these aspects for their
children
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. If they don't control it,
children
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 can get obese easily.
As a consequence
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, the
parents
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 of obese
children
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 are proof that they did not take
care
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 of their
children
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.
Also
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, obesity causes serious adult illnesses,
such
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 as diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, or some other chronic diseases. If
parents
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 take
care
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 of their
children
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, they will not get obese, and eventually, they will not get these kinds of adult diseases.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 should work out with their
children
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 to avoid getting fat at least three times a week. They can prevent becoming obese just by exercising three times a week.
Also
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, they can build a bond between them and their
children
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. In conclusion, I agree with
this
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 statement, and
parents
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 have a responsibility for their obese
children
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. They need to take
care
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 of the diets of their
children
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 and exercise together.

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Task Achievement
For a higher score in Task Achievement, ensure to address the prompt more comprehensively by discussing both sides of the argument or providing a more nuanced perspective before stating your own. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of examples and evidence to support each point can also enrich your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve in Coherence and Cohesion, strive for a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. Usage of cohesive devices (e.g., however, therefore) can be optimized for smoother transitions. Furthermore, paragraphing can be used more effectively to distinguish between points. Consider introducing counterarguments or varied viewpoints in separate paragraphs to enhance clarity and flow.
Task Achievement & Coherence and Cohesion
Develop your examples further to offer more depth to your arguments. While you included examples, more detailed elaboration can provide clarity and reinforce your standpoint. This involves describing how specific examples support your argument and considering alternative perspectives to create a balanced view.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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