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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The diagram below shows the recycling process of aluminium cans.

The diagram below shows the recycling process of aluminium cans.
The diagram illustrates the process of recycling
aluminium
Use synonyms
cans
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are 9 steps in the whole process. The
cans
Use synonyms
 need to go through many processes before
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be melted again. Interestingly, 74
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
aluminium
Use synonyms
cans
Use synonyms
 in the United Kingdom are recycled.
First,
Linking Words
the used
cans
Use synonyms
 are littered in the bin for
aluminium
Use synonyms
cans
Use synonyms
 only.
Then
Linking Words
, the
cans
Use synonyms
 are collected and transported by a truck to the
aluminium
Use synonyms
 recycling plant. In
this
Linking Words
 stage, those
cans
Use synonyms
 will be cleaned, sorted, shredded, and compressed. After that, the compressed
cans
Use synonyms
 are heated and melted.
Then
Linking Words
, it is made into a thin roll of
aluminium
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 2.5 millimetres by 6 millimetres thick; it is produced into new
aluminium
Use synonyms
cans
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, the recycled
cans
Use synonyms
 are able to be reused again like in England where 74 percent of the
cans
Use synonyms
 they use are recycled. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recycled
aluminium
Use synonyms
cans
Use synonyms
 are able to perform the same as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
newly made
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words aluminium, cans with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • recycling process
  • aluminum cans
  • collection phase
  • sorting and cleaning
  • contaminants
  • crushing
  • melting phase
  • molded
  • energy efficiency
  • environmental benefits
  • economy
  • sustainable practices
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