IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #activity
These days
people
 like to explore
adveturous
Correct your spelling
adventurous
sports
 as a part of everyday learning. A certain segment of
people
 think that authorities should not allow public access to risk-taking games,
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 think it should be an individual choice to try these
sports
.
This
 essay will critically analyse both
perspective
Change to a plural noun
perspectives
show examples
 and support my opinion
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should not ban
life threatning
Correct your spelling
life-threating
sports
instead
Correct word choice
but instead
show examples
 offer assistance in
someway
Correct your spelling
some way
show examples
 to pupils trying these
sports
. To embark upon, the reason authorities should put
barrier
Fix the agreement mistake
barriers
show examples
 on practising dangerous games is
nature
Correct article usage
the nature
show examples
 of sport which might be equipped with potential risk.
This
 can
considered
Change the verb form
be considered
show examples
 to be a threat
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 an individual's life. Many
intances
Correct your spelling
instances
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 supported the fact that there are
people
 , who indulge
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 these
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 without proper training or not under
supervision
Add an article
the supervision
show examples
 of an expert.
For example
- Two
people
reported
Add a missing verb
were reported
show examples
 dead after they tried
cliffjumping
Correct your spelling
cliff jumping
cliff-jumping
 alone from Indica Range in
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of their trainer.
Hence
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 need to be considerate and closely look into these
matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
 to stop the practices.
On the other hand
,
bunch
Add an article
a bunch
show examples
 of
people
 who
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
 there should be freedom given to everyone to try their
sports
 is as performing anything comes with a sense of democratic rights where one should not be obliged to ask for a political validation. A great sense of trying all these activities
fill
Correct subject-verb agreement
fills
show examples
people
 with confidence and
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
show examples
phyical
Correct your spelling
physical
 stability.
For instance
, participants when interviewed to express their feelings about completing life-risking tasks, most of them revealed that results
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 equipped them with great
self-believe
Correct your spelling
self-belief
show examples
 and confidence. In my opinion, countries should not stop
people
 from trying out adventurous
sports
,
instead
 support them by regulating policies to prioritise
safety
Add an article
the safety
show examples
 of individuals.
Moreover
, choices should be given to folks to explore adventurous
sports
 despite thinking about
impacts
Correct article usage
the impacts
show examples
 it can have on ones.
Submitted by kukretihimani767 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a structured approach with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a personal opinion. To improve coherence, try enhancing the linkage between your ideas with clearer transitional phrases and ensuring paragraph topics are distinct and clearly stated.
task achievement
Although you’ve answered the prompt by discussing both views, your response lacks depth in analyzing these perspectives. Expand on the reasoning behind each view and provide more detailed examples to strengthen your argument. Ensure your examples are directly relevant to the points you are making.
coherence cohesion
For a more polished essay, focus on proofreading to correct grammatical errors and ensure sentence structure variety. Using a diverse vocabulary and complex sentence structures will improve the overall flow of your writing.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, while you do provide your opinion, aim to succinctly summarize the key points previously discussed before reiterating your stance. This will make your conclusion stronger and more cohesive with the rest of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: