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Band 8

Some believe that all individuals who break the law should be placed in prison as a form of punishment. However, others hold the view that there are more effective alternatives to deal with lawbreakers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people claim that every lawbreaker should be imprisoned,
while
others
 believe that there are better ways to handle criminals.
This
 essay will discuss both views and contend in favour of the latter. On the one hand, those who advocate for imprisonment argue that the stricter the punishment becomes, the less the crime occurs. To be specific, when lawbreakers are locked away from
society
, they are deprived of re-offending.
For example
, a notable study conducted by Korea University in 2011 revealed that countries with strong punishments like imprisonment were likely to have low crime rates.
In addition
, the experts concluded that the threat of serving a prison sentence may deter
others
 from breaking the law.
Moreover
, jails provide an opportunity for rehabilitation as inmates can be educated through various programs and
thus
, easily reintegrate into
society
.
On the other hand
,
others
 contend that alternatives like community service, probation, fines, or counselling can be more favourable ways to deal with felons.
For instance
, by undertaking community service, offenders can repay their debt to
society
 and contribute positively to the public.
This
 not only benefits those directly involved but
also
 sends a message to
society
 that there are consequences for legal actions.
Furthermore
, imprisoning all criminals is highly ineffective, as it is a waste of money. It is true that it requires a lot of budget and widened space to manage the accommodation. In my opinion, I believe the best approach lies somewhere between.
Although
 serving a prison sentence can be a strong deterrent to committing a crime, other measures are still required as they alleviate the overcrowding problem in jail.
Hence
, it is beneficial as it allows resources to be focused on more serious and dangerous criminals. In conclusion,
while
 some individuals say that all culprits should be sent to prison,
others
 believe that it is not always the best solution.
However
, I think that a mitigated approach is crucial as every solution is advantageous.
Submitted by aahhyu111 on

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coherence cohesion
Although you've presented your arguments coherently, you could further improve by ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs. Using linking phrases such as 'Furthermore', 'However', and 'Consequently' can make your essay flow even better.
task achievement
In your essay, you've effectively discussed both sides of the argument and provided a clear opinion, which is good. To enhance task achievement, try to offer more depth to your examples. Specific real-life scenarios or more detailed statistics could add weight to your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay maintains a clear position throughout, which is commendable. To strengthen your argument further, consider exploring the implications or the future impact of each view more deeply. This approach will provide a more comprehensive analysis and enhance your scorer's understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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