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Band 3

Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get new events. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ?

#people #world #media #touch #events
Nowadays, many individuals all over the world keep in touch with other
people
 and get new events by using social
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
 every day . Despite the rise of social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
, the benefits of using social
transports
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transport
show examples
 outweigh the disadvantages. On the one hand, social media offers a platform for self-expression and creativity through
sharing
Correct article usage
the sharing
show examples
 of content
such
 as articles, videos, and photos.
This
 means that
people
 can access
to
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apply
show examples
many
kind
Change to a plural noun
kinds
show examples
 of social platforms like Facebook, Messenger and Zalo, so they can easily share
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enjoyable
moment
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moments
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by
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through
show examples
 images or
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 with their friends online.
On the other hand
, It
also
 potential for addiction and overuse, leading to issues like decreased productivity, sleep disturbances, and negative impacts on mental health.
This
 is because
,
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apply
show examples
 there
are
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is
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 too much information in the global community,
therefore
 some
people
 spend the whole time of their life to update social problems
in
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on
show examples
 the internet.
For example
, many young
people
 are using too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 social platforms to chat or discuss but they don’t want to go outside and enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life. In conclusion, social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 can help
people
 to keep in touch with others and update information swiftly.
However
, governments should encourage them not to
overuse
Correct pronoun usage
overuse it
show examples
.
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Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay has a clear opinion stated. The introduction briefly touches on the benefits outweighing the disadvantages but the body paragraphs do not convincingly support this statement.
Task Achievement
Strengthen your main points with more specific examples and explanations. Currently, the examples provided are generic and do not fully demonstrate how the benefits outweigh the disadvantages.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to better connect your arguments and make your essay more cohesive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Double check your use of terminology. 'Social transports' seems to be a mistake. Make sure you are using terms correctly to avoid confusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Extend your conclusion to more directly reflect upon how the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, linking back to your main argument in the introduction.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • global community
  • maintain relationships
  • immediate updates
  • self-expression
  • networking opportunities
  • overuse
  • misinformation
  • privacy concerns
  • personal data
  • culture of comparison
  • decreased self-esteem
  • dissatisfaction
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