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Band 6.5

Some people say that travel helps us to appreciate other cultures. How true is this statement? Do you think that people who travel a lot appreciate other cultures more than those who stay at home?

#people #travel #cultures #home
Some
people
 believe that those who love travelling more appreciate other
cultures
 rather than
people
 who just stay at home. In my opinion, I agree with that argument as
travel
 drives
people
 to meet new society which means new
cultures
. Why
travel
 helps
people
 to honour different
cultures
 because it will open their minds towards a diverse society.
For example
, there are differences in how
people
 greet each other in many countries.
While
 in Indonesia,
people
 usually shake hands, in Korea, society prefers to bow when they meet each other.
This
 means that
although
 both of the countries are part of Asia, they have totally different
cultures
. It can bring a lesson to an Indonesian who travels to Korea to embrace other
cultures
. With
travel
,
people
 learn how other societies live their lives, which
thus
 can make them better understand and have a high tolerance
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 each other.
In addition
,
for instance
, Indonesia
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
built by many islands
also
consist
Correct subject-verb agreement
consists
show examples
 of multicultural backgrounds.
Although
 we are in the same country, the population in Indonesia have a different way of life that
influenced
Add a missing verb
is influenced
show examples
 by their own
cultures
.
People
 who love to experience new places get exposure to other
cultures
 and broaden their perspective towards each other. In conclusion, it is true that travelling can make
people
 honour other
cultures
 since it will open their point of view towards a different life.
Therefore
, I recommend to all readers to
travel
 more when we still have time and chance. Go outside from home and explore new experiences so we can live life to the fullest.
Submitted by mmmuuu on

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Task Response
Engage with the topic by directly answering the question in your introduction. Starting with a clear thesis statement strengthens your argument.
Task Achievement
To improve your argument, ensure your essay directly addresses the comparisons between people who travel and those who stay at home, as the question suggests.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to improve your essay's flow. This enhances the coherence and cohesion aspect.
Task Achievement
Expand the depth of your examples by including more personal reflections or broader societal implications. This would add richness to your argument and help in further convincing the reader.
General Advice
For a more polished feel, consider revising your essay for minor grammatical errors and improve clarity in some sentences.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • exposes
  • directly
  • appreciate
  • appreciation
  • respect
  • open-mindedness
  • adaptability
  • navigate
  • social norms
  • lifestyles
  • diversity
  • interactions
  • stereotypes
  • preconceived notions
  • nuanced
  • shift attitudes
  • aesthetic
  • landscapes
  • architectures
  • engagement
  • superficial
  • commercialized
  • conscious
  • respectful
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