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Band 4.5

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with others. Do you agree or disagree?

#television #free-time #people
Today I am discussing what
people
 should do in their spare
time
. Most
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
 spend their
freeb
Correct your spelling
free
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching TV. Some think that using free
timetime
Correct your spelling
time
 to watch TV makes them lazy and prevents them from socializing.
According to
 my point of view, I totally agree with the statement that watching too much TV is not only creating laziness but you
also
 lose your social
life
. No doubt
Television
 is a great
invention
 and a useful source of knowledge about current affairs and entertainment. It
also
 provides quick access and information about different parts of the world. No doubt, we could get knowledge about different fields from
this
 amazing
invention
. But on the other
Television
 has some disadvantages too. Infect
Television
 was a unique
invention
 of its
time
 and it was quite strange for
people
 to see visuals in front of them.
People
 warmly welcome the
invention
 as their home guest. But after a few years,
this
 unfamiliar guest became an essential part of their home and penetrated their
life
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 full swing. I think too much penetration of
television
 made our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 complex and antisocial. In the early days of
this
invention
Add a comma
invention,
show examples
 it was quite normal and
people
feel
Wrong verb form
felt
show examples
 happy but as
time
passes
Wrong verb form
passed
show examples
 too much involvement in watching
Television
 created lots of problems. I conclude with the opinion that if
people
 spend all of their leisure
time
 watching
Television
 it will make them not only lazy
people
 but
also
 kill their social
life
.
People
 should realize that access to anything with no reason could make their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 miserable.
Submitted by computersinn2007 on

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Task Achievement
Task Response: Ensure that you address all parts of the task. You made a clear argument agreeing with the statement, but your response could be enhanced by providing more detailed examples and considering possible counterarguments to create a more balanced discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Organize your essay more effectively. Use clear paragraphing and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea. Transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through your argument and improve the flow of your essay.
Grammar and Accuracy
Consider diversifying your vocabulary and sentence structure to make your essay more engaging. Furthermore, be mindful of typos and grammatical errors, as these can distract from your message. Proofreading your essay can greatly improve its clarity and professionalism.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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