IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause and what measures can be done to address those problems?

#people #gap #situation #measures #address
Currently, there is a rise in the distance between the wealthy and needy
people
. The root causes of
this
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
due to
 the differences
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 not only opportunities but
also
lifestyles
, yet it can be tackled by
government
Add an article
the government
a government
show examples
 who provide social welfare for the poor. To commence with, one of the reasons for
this
 is the diversity of chances in career.
In other words
, the rich
also
 have their available social relationships, property and knowledge which promote them to higher positions in their occupations. Meanwhile, disadvantaged individuals do not have any chance to overcome their
porverty
Correct your spelling
poverty
property
 or become
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
affluent.
For example
, 95% of
imporved
Correct your spelling
improved
imported
 white-collar workers in the UK could not move to the positions of managers because they did not have enough relationships in the firms.
In addition
, another principal cause is the distinction in
lifestyles
 between the rich and the poor. To be more specific, poor
peopple
Correct your spelling
people
 tend to pursue extravagant
lifestyles
 and waste their money on negative purposes
such
 as using drugs and gambling or betting.
In contrast
,
properous
Correct your spelling
prosperous
people
 just follow frugal lives
as well as
 invest their money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 several projects or ventures that can make a profit for them.
As a consequence
, the poor easily go bankrupt ,
while
 the rich
also
 become wealthier.
For instance
, in 2021, The New York Times showed that the top 10
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
billionaires in the USA just paid 2$ for each breakfast,
whereas
 5
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 citizens who lived in slums always spent 50$. A solution,
however
, can be found in
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 actions towards the poor. The most effective approach is for
people
 who are deprived can receive social amenities like accommodations, food and drinks from local authorities.
As a result
, these things will enhance the quality of their lives, leading to
bridge
Change the verb form
bridging
show examples
 the gap between the rich and the poor. Take Vietnam as an example here where 50 charity events
happening
Wrong verb form
happen
show examples
 every
years
Change to a singular noun
year
show examples
 to supply necessary facilities for deprived
people
 and they
also
 assisted more than 20000 citizens
relocate
Add the particle
to relocate
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 adequate houses.
Therefore
, the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the gap between affluent and poor individuals stems from inequality of
work's
Change noun form
work
show examples
 opportunities
along with
 diverse
lifestyles
.
Nevertheless
, supplying vital things for the needy will improve
this
 problem.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'due to the differences of not only opportunities but also lifestyles' could be rephrased for clarity. Also, phrases like 'promote them to higher positions' could be clearer.
writing style
Try to vary your sentence structures to enhance readability. Many sentences start with similar phrases; incorporating different sentence types can make your essay more engaging.
development
Ensure that all points are fully developed. For example, the point about lifestyles leading to poverty could use more explanation about why these behaviors are more prevalent among poorer individuals.
task response
You have successfully identified and explained two major causes of the widening gap between the rich and the poor.
relevant examples
You provided specific examples to support your points, such as the statistics from the UK and the USA, which help to illustrate your arguments effectively.
structure
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: