IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

2- Playing computer games only has negative effects on children To What extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s society,
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 are an integral part of
children
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’s lives. Some people believe that
computer
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games
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 only negatively affect kids,
while
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 others disagree with
this
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 idea. I totally agree with the statement, and in
this
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 essay, I will explore various dimensions of the issue and provide an analysis of its extent to support my position.
Firstly
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,
computer
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games
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 have enabled
children
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 to play with others in person
in
Change preposition
on
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 the playground and make them non-social
additionally
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 lack
of
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apply
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communication
skills
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.
This
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 is because,
due to
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 the advent of online
games
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 on computers, mobile phones connect online irrespective of location.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 some game
app
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apps
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 on mobile phones or tablets provide
children
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 connect to
games
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 online and play with their friends via some platforms
such
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 as
twitch
Capitalize word
Twitch
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.
Moreover
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reaching
Verb problem
playing
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computer
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games
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 easily via mobile gadgets
makes
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make
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children
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 lazy because they can earn
Correct article usage
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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dopamine without any
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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thus
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 they do not need
Correct word choice
apply
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and
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apply
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rewards to be happy.
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
Linking Words
computer
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games
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has
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have
show examples
negative
Add an article
a negative
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 effect on kids.
Secondly
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,
motor
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skills
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 are very important in our lives in order to
able
Correct your spelling
be
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 good at something
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for
Add the comma(s)
, for
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 instance, doing any sport, driving, carrying something using a knife
while
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 cooking, which are some examples from our daily routine on the ground that
children
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 should improve their
motor
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skills
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 for future life. But
motor
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skills
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 can
be improve
Change the verb form
be improved
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 in
real
Add an article
the real
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 world not in artificial game platforms.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 in previous times
children
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 used to spend time
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
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 with fellas and use real material to create some
games
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 which
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 enhance holding
skills
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 one of
motor
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skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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. In conclusion, I would agree that playing
computer
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games
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 only negative effects on kids.

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task achievement
You have addressed the topic, but your response could be more developed. Expand upon your ideas and arguments more fully to meet the task requirements more effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a structure in place, but your essay lacks clear, logical connections between ideas. Try to use transitional phrases and ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
task achievement
Support your main points with more detailed examples or evidence. Your examples are good but could be expanded upon to strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • spatial awareness
  • hand-eye coordination
  • reaction times
  • social isolation
  • detrimental effects
  • behavior and attitude
  • multiplayer and online games
  • fostering
  • addiction
  • obesity
  • eyestrain
  • prolonged screen time
What to do next:
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