IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink contains high levels of sugar, Which cause many health problems. Sugary should be made more expensive to encourage to people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #levels #sugar #health #people
In contemporary discourse about healthy eating and nutritious food, sugar seems to be deemed as one of the key causes of
health
 problems. In my opinion, the solution provided above, to make sugary products more expensive in order to discourage
people
 from buying them is a very logical option. Namely, when
people
 decide to implement a
change
 that will improve their
health
, it usually consists of giving up on comfort. There is a certain level of dopamine that we as
people
 get consuming our "guilty pleasure foods", and the hardest part about quitting is the fact that the outcome relies completely on our will and mental strength.
Therefore
, I am sure that for many
people
 a helpful factor in resisting sugary produce
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 could be the fact that it is not as affordable.
Furthermore
,
such
 a
change
 would easily affect a bigger group of
people
 and help in countries that generally have a problem with obesity. My stance is that it is better to try and target
such
 a problem on a general level, rather than trying to reach individuals and attempt to educate them of the
health
-damaging effects of sugar. If we consider how many
health
 campaigns exist in the world, trying to inform
people
 of the
health
 risks caused
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 sugar and the still ongoing severity of the problem, we can conclude that they are not as effective of a solution. In conclusion,
although
 I do understand that
such
 a
change
 could infuriate
people
, especially those not willing to
change
 their eating habits,
such
 a categorical issue can only be solved on a macro level. A positive impact can be achieved, if
this
 decision were to be carried out, not only on obese
people
, but
also
 on an average person.
Submitted by nadja.andric6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Aim for each paragraph to have a clear topic sentence followed by explanation, example, and a concluding sentence.
content
Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence. This strengthens your argument and demonstrates a wider understanding of the topic.
language
For better coherence, use linking words to clearly show the relationship between ideas within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
Make sure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and explore it fully before moving to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured food and drinks
  • high levels of sugar
  • health problems
  • consume less sugar
  • sugary products
  • more expensive
  • motivate
  • reduced sugar consumption
  • additional revenue
  • healthcare programs
  • low-income individuals
  • cheaper sugary products
  • education and awareness
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • promoting healthier choices
What to do next:
Look at other essays: