IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents.

#children #families #amounts #money #adult #life #parents
Kids raised by average or middle-income
parents
 are better prepared to face adult life
issues
 than kids raised by rich tribes. I entirely disagree with
this
 statement as both
children
 may suffer developmental delays and
also
 abandonment by both average and rich
parents
. Even though there is a belief that wealthy families have everything their offspring may
also
 experience hardship like anyone. The development of
children
 does not depend on how much the
parents
 make but rather on how available they are.
Children
 may encounter developmental delays in their growth journey and if they do not have anyone to gauge that, it may be too late for the child to be assisted on time.
This
 may affect their adult life and how they handle challenging
issues
 they come across in building relationships.
For instance
, there is a wealthy couple in America that loves to travel
due to
 their work, they recently decided that they will stop their tour to care for their fourth child as he has a speech development problem.
This
 illustrates that they are things riches cannot buy.
On the other hand
,
children
 may experience abandonment
issues
 as
parents
 are always away at work to provide for their offspring. offspring who experience being left alone may suffer abandonment attachment
issues
 and may not be able to regulate when they are in their adult stage. It may make offspring believe that they are less important and
thus
, instil in them the idea that they are not worth it. To cement
this
 point, I was given away at a young age and I have always felt that I was not worthy of anybody which has affected how I believe my relationship with people. I do not trust everybody but myself and often, alone throughout my 37 years of life. In conclusion, I entirely disagree with the topic as I have met young people from wealthy families struggling with their self-worth and
also
 having developmental setbacks. Even though their household had the resources to assist them.
Submitted by caroloks on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure you directly address the essay question throughout your response. Your essay should clearly state your position and provide a balanced argument with specific examples that directly relate to the topic.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, aim to connect your ideas more smoothly. Use a range of cohesive devices effectively (e.g., conjunctions, pronouns, synonyms) to link sentences and paragraphs, making your argument more structured and easy to follow.
task achievement
Expand on your examples by connecting them more directly to your main argument. Specific, detailed examples can significantly strengthen your points and make your argument more convincing. Additionally, consider exploring both sides of the argument more thoroughly before stating your conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: