IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that killing animals for food is cruel, but others claim that animals are a necessary part of the diet. What is your opinion?

#people #animals #food #part #diet
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Raising and slaughtering
animals
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 for the consumption of the population is a widespread phenomenon.
Although
Linking Words
 it has been condemned as animal cruelty,
meat
Use synonyms
 is a necessity for human
health
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 and well-being. As far as I know,
meat
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 is part of the diet and there are no other animal
food
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 sources. On the one hand, animal foods provide a variety of nutrients that are difficult to obtain in sufficient amounts from plant-based foods. Inadequate intake of these nutrients can lead to adverse
health
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 effects
such
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 as stunted growth. A diet with a good combination of
meat
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 and vegetables is considered to be of great importance. Some may argue that
meat
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 consumption poses
health
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 risks and increases the risk of foodborne illness.
This
Linking Words
 statement is false, given that one can kill bacteria and eliminate risk factors by cooking properly and using scientific methods in production.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the majority of
meat
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 sold in supermarkets is produced by factory farms.
Due to
Linking Words
 the intensive use of modern technology and mass production techniques, produced
animals
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, birds and fish cannot be taken as ordinary
animals
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, but only as industrial products. Industrial farming is important in solving
food
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 supply problems by using lean economics to produce enough
food
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 at affordable prices.
Therefore
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,
while
Linking Words
 the importance of using
animals
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 as a
food
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 source cannot be denied, it is important to understand that humans cannot exploit
animals
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 and become addicted to
meat
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 consumption.
For example
Linking Words
, animal fat increases the risk of heart disease, and
meat
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 is consistently associated with
food
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 poisoning. At the same time, people's insatiable appetite for
meat
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 can lead to intensive animal husbandry and animal slaughter, which directly affects animal welfare worldwide. From the previous discussion, it is impossible to see why
animals
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 and other
animals
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 should not be used as
food
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.
While
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 switching to a non-animal diet is a personal choice, the question remains whether a person is getting enough of the nutrients they need for their
health
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. When there is little room for debate about the use of
animals
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 for
meat
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, standards should be set and animal exploitation prevented.
Submitted by buyabuya201 on

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Task Achievement
To improve your score in Task Achievement, ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. This entails presenting a clear opinion, supported by relevant examples and a broader range of arguments. Expanding on the nutritional alternatives to meat and discussing the ethical considerations more deeply could strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, work on structuring your essay more effectively. An explicit introduction that outlines your stance, followed by well-organized paragraphs, and a conclusion that restates your opinion would make your argument clearer. Using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques could also enhance the reader's understanding.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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