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Band 7

Social media has replaced the traditional methods of communication, and people use more and more social media to communicate, and to follow news and events. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages

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The methods of communication have been transformed from the traditional to the modern ones, one of which is through social
media
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. There is an increasing trend for
people
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 to use more social
media
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 in order to communicate and
to
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apply
show examples
get news updates. In
this
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 essay, I will examine that the benefits of social
media
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 overshadow the potential drawbacks. On the one hand, rising social
media
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 users can pose some problems.
Firstly
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, social
media
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 can lead to an addiction, which
thus
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 may drive
people
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 to ignore their surroundings.
For example
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, we often hear many cases of teenagers who can not get away from their phones since they are always open to their social
media
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 whenever it is. By getting busy with their accounts, teenagers may neglect their responsibility as students
such
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 as to finish their homework.
Furthermore
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, nowadays, social
media
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 have grown as a platform to post users' achievements like when they get a job, win a competition, or simply have an overseas vacation.
Although
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 they may see
this
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 as not a problem, other
people
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 may not think the same. It is very common for them to get jealous of
people
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's success,
thus
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 they may feel insecure about their own.
On the other hand
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, the existence of social
media
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 brings a few great benefits for
people
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 who use it.
To begin
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 with, we can say that social
media
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 makes it easy for us to connect with many
people
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 around us.
For instance
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, by using Instagram or Facebook, we can connect to our old friends.
In addition
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,
people
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 can broaden their networking through LinkedIn and it is really possible for them to get a new opportunity like a new job.
Moreover
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,
people
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 who are active users of social
media
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 can get news updates quickly so they feel informed about whatever going on in society. In conclusion, I can say that the benefits of social
media
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 outweigh the costs.
Although
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 the platforms may make
people
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 addicted and bring insecurity, social
media
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 make it easy for
people
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 to connect with others, build networks, and even gain updated information.
Therefore
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, as a user, we have to be able to maximize the advantages of using social
media
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines your stance on the topic. Although you mentioned the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, a more explicit thesis statement at the beginning could strengthen your position.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to increase coherence between ideas and paragraphs. This will make the transitions smoother and your argumentation stronger.
task achievement
In the development of your argument, balance the focus between advantages and disadvantages. While you've effectively detailed the benefits, ensure the drawbacks are equally explored to demonstrate comprehensive understanding.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance comprehension and flow, consider structuring paragraphs around a single main point. This clarity helps readers to follow your argumentation more easily.
task achievement
Incorporate more varied examples and evidence to support your points. While your current examples are good, additional and diverse instances can enrich your essay by showing a wider understanding of the topic.
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