IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Governments are prohibiting underage children from getting full time jobs in certain countries. Do you agree or disagree?

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A myriad of sovereigns are banning underage
children
Use synonyms
 from working full-time.
While
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 many individuals claim that working part-time is not destructive for underage kids, I assert that working for juniors must be allowed neither full-time nor part-time. Working as a teenager, especially in tough fields, can cause them to be deprived of joy and cheerfulness at their age.
According to
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 a major number of studies, underaged youths and teenagers must dedicate their time to flourishing their talents, following their interests, playing, understanding their potential path of success, and fulfilling deeds that are appropriate for their ages. It is
also
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 a widely held belief that working in younger ages can result in harmful impacts including physical and mental disturbance in maturity or senior years. It should
also
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 be considered that many
children
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 all over the world are forced to work
due to
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 the terrible economic crisis
as well as
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 detrimental conditions of income in their homelands or their families. In these situations, the breadwinner of the family must get his
children
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 to work and cooperate in making money as he is not able to provide all the needs of the family members alone.
Accordingly
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, administrations can play a crucial role in managing and governing these conditions as they can support their citizens by making an economic constancy and preparing budgetary assets. Countries which have proper fiscal circumstances are more likely to avert
children
Use synonyms
 from accomplishing labour work. In conclusion,
although
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 toiling for juveniles is not impairing
according to
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 a substantial number of assumptions and research, I disagree that underage kids to be utilized in the labor force.

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task achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement in your introduction, directly responding to the essay question. For instance: 'I strongly believe that prohibiting underage children from taking any jobs is beneficial for their health and development.' This sets a clear stance from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Organize your main paragraphs around single ideas. Begin each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates directly back to the thesis statement. For example, 'One of the primary reasons to prevent children from working is to preserve their mental and physical health.'
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly, such as 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' and 'on the other hand.' This will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Incorporate specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. This could be in the form of statistics, studies, or real-life examples. Doing so will strengthen your case and make your argument more persuasive.
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