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Band 6

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
Many individuals argue the idea of possible for older
people
 to continue their jobs is wise. I personally agree because
people
 who are able to work not based on age but on other
people
’s factors. There are several reasons to support
this
 viewpoint.
To begin
 with, there are many older
people
 who have a good skill in their
job
. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
senior employee have many experiences that make them have
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 skills to complete their
job
 very well
while
 is beneficial for the company.
For instance
, a senior technician is faster than a junior when they have completed the
job
 because seniors have a lot of experience and skills.
This
 represents that older
people
 are still worthy to be workers. The work allows older individuals to stay productive and
also
 contribute to society. Many older
people
 still have the energy and
also
 capability to continue their jobs that will be beneficial for themselves,
such
 as for their cognitive and well-being.
For instance
, many old entrepreneurs still work to maintain their productivity which is essential for their
cognitive
Replace the word
cognition
show examples
 and health, and
also
 ease the financial burden of the country because their productivity earns money which increases the country’s income.
This
 is the reason why older
people
 have to stay productive. In conclusion, I believe that possible for older individuals to continue to do their jobs. There are many senior workers who have high quality in their
job
 and
also
 it makes them stay productive and keep the impact on society.
Submitted by writingieltsband9 on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear and concise thesis statement in your introduction that directly responds to the essay question. This sets a solid framework for your argument.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more detailed and varied examples. While you have provided examples, adding depth and variety can enrich your argument and better illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Transition smoothly between ideas and paragraphs by using a variety of linking words and phrases. You have started this, but further refinement can enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
Consider including a counter-argument or addressing potential opposing viewpoints. This can show a deeper understanding of the topic and strengthen your own position.
coherence cohesion
Revise for minor grammar errors and work on sentence structure variation to enhance readability and professionalism.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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