IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experince, important for learning and taking responsability. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In some countries, children are allowed to have a paid job. Many individuals perceive
this
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 situation as wrong.
On the contrary
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, others see it as necessary for the development of young people. In my opinion, children should not work because it can lead to exploitation and the contrary
due to
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 the fact that it helps them take on some responsibility. Some people believe that youngsters should not get involved in jobs because companies can easily exploit them.
Furthermore
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, youngsters are a fragile population that does not have, yet, the capacity to detect when they are in an abusive working environment.
For example
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, in the Democratic Republic of Congo, the law allows minors to be financially paid for their effort.
Consequently
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,
this
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 right has been used abusively and has led 22 million offspring to be exploited by transnational corporations
such
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 as Teleton that use these workers to obtain cobalt from the mines. Minors should work since it allows them to take on responsibility at a young age, allowing them to be quickly performant in their future careers.
In addition
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, an individual learns what is important in a company and how to present himself as someone who can be trusted.
For instance
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, the University of Connecticut conducted in 2022, illustrated that 70% of the time, the best employees in American companies like Google have had their first work experience at the age of 15 being very productive for both youngsters and the company.
To conclude
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, even if children can end up exploited, I believe that they should be allowed to have a job because the responsibilities they get from their first working experience will help them in perfectly start a strong and stable career.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Your essay shows a good structure, but make sure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use cohesive devices to create a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. While your essay demonstrates usage, try to diversify your linking words for a more sophisticated style.
Task Achievement
For a higher score in Task Achievement, make sure to fully address all parts of the prompt. Your essay does this well by discussing both views and giving your own opinion. However, deepen your exploration of each view for a more comprehensive analysis.
General
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and grammatical structures to convey your points more effectively. While your essay offers relevant examples, enhancing lexical resource and grammatical range can improve clarity and impact.
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