IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

#technology #people #viewpoints
Some
people
 argue that current technology has helped bring
people
 together,
whereas
 others believe that the effect is the opposite. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both perspectives, give my opinion and some examples to support it. The enthusiasts of the first idea think that innovations
such
 as the Internet, mobile phones, and other devices contribute to approximate
people
, especially those who are far away, living in another country or in another city.
For example
, I have some close schoolmates from college time which have moved abroad and thanks to social media, we keep in touch.
Moreover
, modern automation allows us to find pals from childhood with whom we eventually lose contact. Using chat software like WhatsApp, it is very easy to invite some partners to a party.
On the other hand
, children and adolescents prefer to use mobile phones to play games than talk to friends. Even among adults,
people
 prefer to use automation rather than talk with community members. One instance that exemplifies
this
 is that nowadays is faster and easier to access a website or an automatic call to order food or medication. To illustrate, in Brazil, there is a mobile application called "i-food" where is possible to check the menu and order food very quickly.
Besides
, the app saves our profile and it suggests the kind of meals we like most.
This
 behaviour keeps us more and more away from human contact.
To sum up
, there are pros and cons to using machinery
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 and modern tools. It depends on how we use it. I believe that technology is a powerful tool that allows maintaining contact with family, mates and colleagues from the past in a question of seconds.
However
, it could be quite harmful to spend a lot of time on social media and missing who is on our side physically.
Submitted by fmulato on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the coherence of your essay by ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs. Using phrases such as 'Furthermore,' 'On the other hand,' and 'In addition' can help bridge ideas more seamlessly.
Task Response
To improve task response, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. This includes discussing both views thoroughly and giving a clear opinion. Consider devoting equal space and depth to each perspective to fully satisfy the task requirement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Strengthen your essay's logical structure by organizing your thoughts more effectively. Aim for a clear progression of ideas from the introduction through to the conclusion, and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main point linked to the essay's overall argument.
Task Response
Include more specific examples to support your points. While you have provided some examples, further detailing these or adding more can strengthen your argument and make your ideas more convincing.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
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