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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents buy their children whatever they ask for, and allow their children to do whatever they want. Do you think this is a good way to raise children? What consequences could this style of parenting have for children as they get older?

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Children
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are purchased
Change the verb form
have purchased
show examples
 anything they demand and are given full permission to them by their
parents
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. In the writer’s opinion,
this
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 is an inappropriate approach to parenting as it can make
children
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 irresponsible and in the long-term cause dependence on
parents
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along with
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 poor financial management. Bringing up
children
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 in a style that lets them have what they desire all the time is improper and it renders a child to become negligent.
In other words
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, it can be easily observed that
parents
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 love their
children
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, but not all of them realize that their actions are actually doing more harm than good.
Additionally
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, when
children
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 have their guardians behind their backs, they will take advantage of it and try to cause trouble without having to be accountable for what they did.
Thus
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,
this
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 will slowly form a habit making the young detrimentally influenced. Over-reliance on
parents
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 among
children
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 is the result of using the wrong parenting strategy.
That is
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 to say
,
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apply
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 since the little ones always get whatever they want after they ask, they gradually go into thinking that
this
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 will be true forever.
Consequently
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, as they grow up, they will lack the ability to thrive on their own, the ability to make their own
money
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 and buy what they want.
Therefore
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, it is evident that the young will be negatively affected in the future. It must be recognized that
children
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 might not know how to handle
money
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 when they reach adulthood.
This
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 is because they only receive so they do not know the value of
money
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 and hard work.
This
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, in turn, will greatly affect the way they see
money
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 and how they spend it, leading to
money
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 getting wasted on non-essential activities or items.
For instance
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, a recent study from financial services company Bread Financial revealed that 28% of Gen Z have made purchases
within
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in
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 a video game. In conclusion, nurturing a child in a carefree style is not suitable, causing them to act imprudently. If
parents
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 continue to raise their offspring like
this
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, they will not be able to survive without their help
as well as
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 inefficient control over
money
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.

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Task Achievement
Ensure your response more closely addresses all parts of the task. Clearly state your opinion and discuss the consequences of the parenting style to align more with the topics required.
Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas with a wider range of examples. While one study is cited, incorporating additional real-life cases or hypothetical scenarios could support your arguments better.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of your essay by improving transitions between paragraphs. Utilize phrases that clearly signal the progression of your argument to the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
Each paragraph should start with a clear introductory sentence, summarizing the main point. This makes it easier for readers to follow.
Coherence & Cohesion
To strengthen your argument, ensure that each main point is followed by detailed support, either through explanation, example, or evidence. Doing so will bolster the persuasiveness of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • indulgent
  • entitlement
  • discipline
  • responsibility
  • nurturing
  • self-reliance
  • adversity
  • autonomy
  • validation
  • dependence
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