IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that senior managers should be warm and friendly toward their employees. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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This
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 is true in the present era; more and more nations argue that major managers must be sweet and friendly toward their job owners.
This
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 essay will delve into a phenomenon by supporting relevant examples and insights into my knowledge. First of all, the sir should make a deal with his employees in a good way. In more demonstration, he could be a friendly, trustworthy, honest, and strong individual.
In addition
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, when a boss has these qualities with his co-workers, he will reap the benefits of his good
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 in general.
For example
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, my brother was the head of one of the companies; he treated his
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colleagues
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 in a friendly and kind manner. These qualities help his companies to become famous and successful. A study published at the University of Nizwa concluded that 90% of senior managers who deal with their people at
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 in a good way help their Institutions to be accomplished.
On the other hand
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, if the head of companies speaks with his
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colleagues
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 in a bad way and deals with them with a nervous and bossy personality it affects their
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 and he reaps losses at his workplace.
For instance
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, my friend has a company, and he was a sir for it, but he can't make any relationships with nations in his
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; his company lost money, and its workers were displaced
as a result
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 of his dealings with them. In conclusion, I agree with the number of community members who said that sir should be warm and friendly with his
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.
Furthermore
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, the government should make a serious law for those seniors to deal with
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colleagues
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 in a good adjective.

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer. Consider refining your thesis statement to directly express your stance on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly separate your ideas into paragraphs. This will enhance logical flow and coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and to enhance cohesion between ideas.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples from personal experience, which enriches your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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