IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Most people believe that social media such as facebook and instagram negatively impact on society and individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #media #facebook #instagram #impact #society #individuals
In contemporary times, one school of thought holds that social media
such
 as Facebook or Instagram could harm individuals and the entire community.
While
 I accept that perception is somewhat justified, I believe that there are other factors that people need to take into account. On the one hand, it is understandable why using social media platforms might result in serious consequences. First and foremost, it could negatively affect people's awareness. In fact, it is easy to access and absorb violent and cruel content
that is
 prevalent on the Internet without any supervision or limitation.
As a result
, the young, especially teenagers, would be encouraged to imitate bad behaviours,
such
 as bullying, cheating, or racism.
Furthermore
, online applications could cause some health problems.
For example
, toxic and biased comments could work users up and trigger their mental issues,
such
 as depression or anxiety, in the long run.
On the other hand
, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that online community platforms might bring some profound benefits. One rationale is that it could strengthen people's ties. To be more specific, by using smartphones or laptops, citizens could easily interact with their relatives or friends via Twitter or Instagram, regardless of distance, thereby maintaining and enhancing the relationships among them. Another justification is that these online communities might play a vital role in education.
This
 is because they could not only gain more useful information and new lessons but
also
 share the experiences involved in their occupations, which could improve others' competencies
as well as
 help them have decent jobs. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that social media could have great disadvantages, I would contend that the merits of these platforms could outweigh their demerits.
Submitted by khoihoangtrong96 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure a balance between the introduction of new ideas and providing specific examples that clearly back these ideas. While your essay presents clear and comprehensive thoughts, adding more concrete examples or elaborating on the specific effects of social media would enrich your argument and provide a stronger base for your claims.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. You've done a good job at structuring your essay and connecting paragraphs, but ensuring that each paragraph intricately contributes to your overall argument with transitional phrases could enhance readability and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental
  • dysfunctional
  • impede
  • adverse
  • compulsive
  • obsessive
  • inherently
  • undermine
  • vulnerable
  • censorship
  • exploitation
  • vicious cycle
  • isolation
  • fraudulent
  • dissemination
  • manipulation
  • creativity
  • engagement
  • tolerance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: