IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people believe more actions can be takes to prevent crime, whole others think that little can be done. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #actions #crime
There is a common view that additional
measures
 should be introduced to minimise
crime
whereas
 other people believe these solutions will not be effective.
This
 essay will demonstrate that more actions are required to reduce
crime
 levels in order to create a safer and more pleasant
society
. It must be recognised that
crime
 is one of the most critical issues facing
society
 today, which can be tackled by improving
security
 in both private and public locations. It is widely accepted that enhanced
security
 methods are successful in determining criminals and illegal
activity
. Banks,
for example
, are often targeted by individuals hoping to make a quick profit,
however
, they are fitted with a variety of technological features which make it difficult for thieves to avoid capture. These other places should be equipped with similar
security
measures
 to lower instances of
crime
.
Conversely
, there is an opinion that illegal
activity
 can be prevented
due to
 the existence of social inequality within
society
. Factors
such
 as wealth, education employment opportunities and physical appearance can create divisions within the community which results in a hierarchy where those near the bottom find it difficult to earn a living,
thus
 turning to criminal
activity
.
For instance
, street
crime
 is prevalent in Vietnam because thieves want to steal valuable items like smartphones, which they trade for cash, so they can afford to look after themselves and their families. regardless of actions taken to prevent
crime
, these individuals will continue to offer in order to survive. From my perspective, I believe criminal
activity
 can be successfully reduced through
further
measures
in addition
 to enhancing
security
. To elaborate, it is vital to improve criminals' awareness of a life away from
crime
 and give them opportunities to reintegrate positively into
society
.
For instance
, many European countries have rehabilitation programmes for criminals where they can participate in community projects in order to gain valuable work experience and earn a basic salary.
This
 solution can not only reduce the
crime
 rate but
also
 bring benefits to the local population. Taking everything into account, it is clear through a combination of improved
security
 and reducing offenders,
crime
 prevention can be accomplished.
This
 essay has demonstrated that those
measures
 can be effective over a longer period of time.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear discussion of both viewpoints and your opinion, but the introduction could be slightly clearer about what your main conclusion will be. Also, ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth. For instance, rather than saying 'Conversely', you might say 'On the other hand'.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all sentences within a paragraph clearly support the main point of that paragraph. Additionally, try to provide more specific examples for each point made. For instance, giving a specific statistic about the success of rehabilitation programs could strengthen your argument.
structure
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
examples
You successfully provided relevant examples to support your main points, such as the citation of security measures in banks and the street crime in Vietnam.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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