IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reason for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?

#world #societies #obesity #children #adults #reason #rise
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
From a generation
ago¸
Correct your spelling
ago
due to
Linking Words
 many
reasons
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as eating fast food and lifestyle society are becoming fat more and more and
this
Linking Words
 causes that quality of life have become less. All around the world, nationalities have accomplished some action,
nonetheless
Linking Words
, they have encountered obesity.
This
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 influences
individuals
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 any age. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, we look at the
reasons
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
 and propose some solutions and I extend my opinion. One of the main causes of the
problem
Use synonyms
 is that fatness can generate many illnesses,
for instance
Linking Words
, diabetes and hypertension
as well as
Linking Words
 heart disease. Following these
reasons
Use synonyms
 ,
individuals
Use synonyms
 have to pay for remedies
such
Linking Words
 as a reference to a practitioner and buying pills, in
fact
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 don’t have a comfortable life because they should always take care of what they eat and drink.
For example
Linking Words
, in the UK over seventy per cent of
people
Use synonyms
 suffer from obesity. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue,
firstly
Linking Words
,
individuals
Use synonyms
 must change their lifestyle, they should choose that either eat healthy food or eat junk food, in
fact
Use synonyms
,
besides
Linking Words
 exercising and
work-out
Correct your spelling
working
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 should be
healthy-eater
Correct your spelling
healthy-eaters
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the government should implement some
scheme
Fix the agreement mistake
schemes
show examples
 like communal sport in different places around the cities and encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to work out and even give them awards for doing exercise. Another
problem
Use synonyms
 is psychological illnesses which
are originated
Wrong verb form
originate
show examples
 from fatness, because when a person who is fat goes outside and others look
him
Change preposition
at him
show examples
 poorly and if he wants to buy clothes he should spend
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of time finding suitable clothes that might be difficult and even they don’t make-friend easily because nobody wants to be a friend with anybody
that is
Linking Words
 not fit,
finally
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 these
reasons
Use synonyms
 that fat
people
Use synonyms
 might encounter it , it can make them alone and they fill the loneliness. The way forward could be
lose
Fix the infinitive
to lose
show examples
 weight, they should comply diet and
this
Linking Words
 is imperative that the government
must
Verb problem
apply
show examples
take care
Add the comma(s)
, fatness
show examples
fatness
Replace the word
of fat
show examples
individuals
Use synonyms
 , in
fact
Use synonyms
, the accountable persons must not ignore persons who are obese. All in all, as can be seen from the points in
this
Linking Words
 essay, it seems to me that the only way to tackle the obesity
problem
Use synonyms
 is
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
 both children and adults
should do
Verb problem
to
show examples
 exercise and have a nice diet plan , in
fact
Use synonyms
 , there is no escape.
Submitted by hoseinyasemi.ir on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

logical structure
Your essay structure needs improvement. Including clear, distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion helps organize thoughts better. Each paragraph should contain one main idea and be linked to the others with suitable connectors.
introduction conclusion present
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. The introduction should present the topic and your thesis statement, while the conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your opinion.
supported main points
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. This makes your argument stronger and more persuasive.
complete response
Fully address all parts of the task. Discuss the reasons for obesity and propose specific solutions. Your response should be balanced, covering both aspects equally.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify your ideas and arguments. Use simple, direct language and make sure each paragraph contributes to your overall argument. Avoid general statements by being specific in your examples and explanations.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your point of view. These examples should be related to the topic and help illustrate your arguments more vividly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: