IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

writing9 samreensohi28 Premium rite about the following topic: Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Show ideas and vocabulary / Find essays with the same topic

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Food
Use synonyms
 is the essence of our life and our
food
Use synonyms
 habits decide our energy, health and mindset. It's important that we teach our young generation that making the right choices for
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 is a really important part of life.
Whereas
Linking Words
, now
schools
Use synonyms
 selling these junk
food
Use synonyms
 items and sugary drinks is a very negative development and we will discuss the reasons below.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Schools
Use synonyms
 should promote only
food
Use synonyms
 products that are good for health which means they should be rich in proteins, nutrients and vitamins. If
schools
Use synonyms
 have only healthy versions of snacks available in the cafeteria
then
Linking Words
 students will have no choice but to choose from those items only to eat something for lunch.
For instance
Linking Words
- If the school canteen replaces sugary drinks like pops or shakes with juice bottles or protein shakes it would be better for kid's health.
Moreover
Linking Words
, These organisations can arrange workshops for students to teach them the importance of making the right diet choices
according to
Linking Words
 the nutrient contents of the product and not always going for a good taste that you can experience only for a few minutes but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will have a negative effect in a long run.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Schools
Use synonyms
 should arrange extra-curricular activities for cooking where they will learn to make different kinds of meals for the day which are easy and efficient to cook but are good sources of protein for the body. If learners have enough knowledge of the kind of
food
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 necessary for their body, they will always have that thought in the back of their minds
while
Linking Words
 deciding what to eat.
For example
Linking Words
, In my school, there used to be a cooking without fire club where we were taught to make quick meals without using fire as that cannot be safe for young students and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 remember all the recipes to
this
Linking Words
 date. In conclusion,
Schools
Use synonyms
 should put an immediate ban on junk
food
Use synonyms
 in the
schools
Use synonyms
 and give cafeteria menus that they need to follow throughout the days of the week. They can send notices to all the parents as well to stop sending street
food
Use synonyms
 or junk items in the lunch boxes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider expanding your introduction to clearly state your position on the negative impact of selling unhealthy food in schools. This could strengthen your argument and provide a clearer focus for your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your ideas, and ensure that each paragraph clearly connects back to your main argument.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your main points. While you included a personal example, additional varied examples can help to solidify your argument.
task achievement
You have presented a clear stance on the issue of unhealthy food in schools, which is important for the task.
task achievement
Your essay features some good ideas about promoting healthy eating and educational workshops, which demonstrates thoughtful consideration of the topic.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: