IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks?

#aspiration #people #business #work #employer
There is a growing trend among youngsters to establish their own enterprises rather than working for a firm. In relation to the situation, it is my contention that the advantages derived from individual enterprises surpass the drawbacks. 
To begin
 with, engaging in personal
business
endeavors
Change the spelling
endeavours
show examples
 enables
individuals
 to cultivate multitasking abilities,
hence
 fostering personal growth and development.
In contrast
 to being employed by an organization where staff members are assigned single specific tasks, personal
business
 typically encompasses a wide range of responsibilities, including strategic planning, cash flow management, client engagement, and promotion skills. These tasks necessitate direct interaction with various parties,
thus
 cultivating a comprehensive understanding and experience from diverse perspectives.
This
, in turn, facilitates effective collaboration with stakeholders across various fields.
Additionally
, engaging in own
business
 ventures offers greater adaptability and individual autonomy compared to working for an entity.
For example
, self-owned enterprises provide
individuals
 the opportunity to determine their own allocated working hours and, notably, engage in initiatives aligned with their own passions.
This
 autonomy contributes to heightened motivation and productivity within one's professional trajectory.
Nevertheless
, it is widely acknowledged that starting a
business
 venture may be prohibitively expensive for
individuals
 of average means, particularly
due to
 the potential risk of financial loss and the absence of a fixed income, which is often associated with a dearth of professional expertise and experience.
However
, these issues may be resolved via the substantial financial incentives that
individuals
 can have after successfully navigating hurdles and gaining valuable learning experiences that contribute to the success of a corporation. Ultimately, operating one's own company offers more prospects for acquiring expertise in areas of affection and exhibiting significant possibilities for financial expansion.
Consequently
, I firmly assert that self-employment has greater worth than being hired.
Submitted by elly201559 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Work on incorporating more varied and specific examples to support your points. This will help to solidify your arguments and make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to improve the flow of your essay and help readers to follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
To enhance clarity and comprehensiveness, try to unpack complex ideas a bit more. Take the time to explain your points fully to ensure they are easily understandable to the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • aspiration
  • entrepreneur
  • flexibility
  • decision-making
  • financial rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • challenges
  • financial risk
  • invested capital
  • cash flow
  • guaranteed income
  • work-life balance
  • responsibility
  • pressure
  • burnout
What to do next:
Look at other essays: