Some people say that the government should not put money on building theatres and sports stadiums. They should spend more money on medical care and education. Do you agree or disagree?
While
the government
has been aiding to building of theatres and sports complexes, many argue that the people
's tax should be put into our health and academe sectors instead
. I strongly believe in improving our medical and education department by allocating enough money and fewer budget cuts.
The Philippines has been facing a crisis that involves a decrease in healthcare workers and teachers. Most of these professionals tend to work abroad and live in that foreign country because they feel that their contributions are far more valued and they get higher pay compared to working in their local community. Workload are
Change the verb form
is
also
lesser and the benefits are higher which would encourage them to take this
opportunity without a second thought. Creating bigger opportunities, higher salaries, numerous benefits, improving school and hospital buildings, providing scholarships, and providing gadgets and materials to students would likely improve our educational and healthcare industry but it needs enough finances to be implemented. By allocating a bigger part of the country's revenue towards both of these sectors, it would create a nation where people
are educated and healthy which would continue to improve the country and its economy.
In contrast
, despite the entertainment sector providing higher revenues for the government
, it does not hold great importance to the general public. Health and Education are the most basic necessities that people
should have easier access to and allocating proper funds increases the chance of decreasing future problems of the government
.
To conclude
, while
sports and arts create a space to decrease levels and improve the social life of the people
, I believe that the medical world and the education department are much more needed by the population and improvements should be made by the government
by amending the increasing the budget to both.Submitted by decxelnarjoyragas on
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Task Achievement
To strengthen your essay further, consider introducing more specific examples and data to support your arguments. While you've provided a general overview of why investing in healthcare and education is crucial, including statistics or real-world instances could make your points more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
In order to refine your essay's coherence, pay attention to the flow between paragraphs. While your essay is structured well, employing more varied and sophisticated transitional phrases could enhance the readability and logical progression of your argument.
Task Achievement
To ensure a comprehensive response, deepen your exploration of the counterargument. You've briefly acknowledged the entertainment sector's benefits but expanding on this with more analysis could produce a more balanced and nuanced essay.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
